Chapter One - The Beginning Current mood: thoughtful In the realm of Visarra, there lies a girl in snow. There is a path of blood leading to her, which only she can see. It doesn't end and she knows it never will. The blood came, not from her veins but, right from her heart, revealed by the deep, crimson lining on her breast. She is not asleep, nor awake. Her trance is a mere reflection of her life. Her eyes would flutter, as she came to. Sitting up, she speaks. "How did I get here?" she asks herself. It seems only yesterday the world held a different meaning... ************************************************ Chapter Two - A Past Revealed Current mood: thoughtful She thinks back to before the blood lined her stride. She remembers the firs t one she let in. He wasn't the best looking guy but his name rang bells in her ears - "Dane." He felt for her but she doubted it at times and, when she couldn't handle it, she let someone else, Cail, try his luck. Unfortunately, Dane couldn't leave her, at least, not for long. But the battle formed her start: a pool of cool blood. Soon, Dane was nowhere to be seen and neither was Cail. But someone else found beauty in her - Drahqul. He’d hold her in the warmth of his sleek trench coat, even when the heat could've kept her. But again, an intruder entered named Swifty. She knew her heart would be reported stolen, when she'd never given it up in the first place. Soon, Drahqul left her all alone and Swifty made his entrance. She felt alone and scared and it stopped snowing, only long enough for her to find herself in Swifty. Of all the pain she caused, she finally felt the backhand she'd been nonchalantly using against everyone. Soon, Swifty left as well, for the Southern Goddess. Though she tried to rekindle the fire in Dane and herself and in Drahqul in herself, she soon found that the past should stay that way. Nothing is the same the second time. She began to wonder why she should keep risking her snow for them. Along came Melech. In every essence, she knew she'd fall for him. They'd leave footprints in the snowstorm and he knew of her sinful tales of the former flames. But one night, he came to love her. And she came to love him. And though their hearts are forever interlocking, it will never be in the way she wants. While entertaining thoughts of Melech, several other thoughts lingered. One was that of Pascado, a man who still wanted someone else. He desired for a familiar relationship and one she couldn't provide for. The other was Ojos (pronounced "oh- hos). He loved her smile and she fell for him as well. But her path of blood separated their hearts. This woman, though sometimes strong, must overcome a reality that betrays her. But how? This woman's name is Roxanne. ************************************************ Chapter 3 - Unhappy Parties Current mood: sad Roxanne made a snowball in her hand, as if trying to be rid of all the snow around her. She sat up as she formed the ball and saw a silhouette in the distance. Of a tall man, around 6 feet tall. His hair was brown and his trudging walk made Roxanne fear. She knew it was Melech before he arrived. "What's wrong, my Roxanne?" he queried. You don't mean it, she thought. But she submitted to answering. "Melech, do you love me?" she hopefully asked. "Of course. Why? What's wrong?" he replied. "Nothing is wrong with me. Something must be wrong with you. This isn't the you I know. I know this Melech who trusts me and talks to me. I know the Melech who isn't bored by the life he goes through. I wish I knew a Melech that found there was no better time than today." She sighed. She knew he wouldn't listen, yet again. "What do you mean?" "Yesterday. Was nothing interesting enough for you? Was I not good enough for you? Why did you not look me in the eyes but twice in the course of nearly nine hours?" "Look, I wasn't bored. I said the wrong thing at the wrong time about the wrong situation. I never said a thing about you not being good enough. Do you constantly need reassurance? Why? You don't need someone else to tell you you're great. You should know. What are you afraid of? I love you. There's nothing denying that. I don't have to look you in the eyes all the time." But it won't help Roxanne. In her eyes, you can see fire from the words he says. How dare he? She thinks the best of herself...sometimes. But it's still all his fault. She can't see how no one sides with her. ****************** Melech walked outside to think. Why am I always the one to blame? She doesn't get it. We weren't brought up the same way. What's so wrong with the way I think? God and I agree. I know I'm not always in the right but why, in her eyes, am I always in the wrong? He thought. Roxanne soon chased after him. He could tell from the start that the words they each said would mean nothing to one another. There were no pointed to get through and no barriers that weren't durable. Melech knew what he thought but, to appease Roxanne, he just submitted and followed her back to a lonely seat. ******************** Roxanne sat down with Melech. She could think of nothing but the tears pouring from her face. She was shivering and he wasn't even looking at her. She thought of a recurring phrase - "I should tell you I have always loved you." She knew not if this phrase meant friendship or romance to her but she knew she missed it. She wanted to take his hand or even his shoulder. But she feared it. She feared that she'd already lost her shot. ************************************************ Chapter 4 - The Dream Current mood: pensive AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A DREAM. THIS DIDN'T OCCUR. Roxanne left her seat, abandoning her time with Melech, as she needed her own time to learn. She crawled to her snowy spot, her only spot she ever was able to think in. The blood trail again followed her. It seemed it always followed her, no matter where she went. It was her baggage, per se. She was continually a slave to the bloody snow. The cold of the night was daring her to stop and she fell asleep in the snow... ******************************* She began to walk and found herself alone with a man whom she could not see the face of. Was it Melech? Pascado? Ojos? Was it Brooks, the man she'd only recently gotten to know? Brooks was a man of character, always musically inclined. She'd spent a few hours with him before and he collaborated on songs with her. But she knew it wasn't him. Then who was this man? Whoever he was, Roxanne knew him. She began to argue and he grabbed her arm. Just as his left arm pulled behind him, another man, dark haired and broad shouldered, came up and began shouting, calling to leave Roxanne alone and he soon did. Roxanne and the dark haired man went away to talk. They spoke of the other man, her ex-boyfriend, and why he was so hard-pressed to fight. "I don't know," she replied. "He's just that type." "You deserve better," the man replied. "Like who?" "Me." Roxanne and the man continued their conversation, talking of the girlfriend he had, right outside of his house, which they laughed about. He described his girlfriend in such loving terms but said she could be temperamental. He told her of how he can't tell if she even wanted him half of the time. "I'd always want you," Roxanne coyly commented. The man smiled. He knew this to be true and he leaned over to kiss Roxanne. She hesitated, but followed through. Their kiss began passionately, but soon became lustful. Though they began this conversation standing, they soon became horizontal upon his living room couch. The moments that followed were tender and animalistic, passionate and fierce. The constant waves of their ocean soared through the couch springs until the moment concluded in a breathless, dewy, and wrapped in the pretzel of their bodies. He held her close and, though they'd just met, she'd let him in, like no one else had been let. She never knew she'd trust someone so much. ******************* Time passes, and flies and this time sped. She became more and more wrapped in how intimate they continued to be and she began to feel for him like she trusted him: like no one else. One particular day was rather strange. She was discussing a rather touchy subject, that of a girl she knew he wanted still. She asked if she was in the passing time they'd spent and he became enraged. "Why the hell does it matter?" he yelled. "What? I was asking..." She didn't finish her sentence. The man through her against a bookcase and held her throat and arm at his mercy. She gasped, aching from the shelves in her back. She couldn't even ask why. She accepted the coming tosses to the shelves and the bruises among her arms. The hardest one was to her chest, leaving her wounded. She thought to herself, I shouldn't have asked. She was breathless, crying, tortured in pain. He told her about his reasoning, how there are things not to mention. She agreed not to mention them. She knew the very thought of these girls to her could hurt her again. But one found out about his feelings. A girl, thin and beautiful, discovered Roxanne's attractions. She wanted Roxanne gone. She yelled at the man and left him lonely, only to ask to be picked up by Roxanne. Roxanne felt used. "Am I only the one you love and want when every other girl you want is gone?" He was silent. She knew she caught him. She was silent and walked away. "I just wish you loved me. Not when it's convenient and no one's around but when everyone is here and you couldn't be busier. Not as a last resort, but as a first choice. Not as a lover, but at least as the friend you always said I was. But you can't see me like that if you always want them and never me." She knew she just wanted him to love her as his friend, as his trusted companion. She didn't even look at him or wait for a response. She didn't trust him not to take her to that bookshelf again. She left. ************************* Waking, she found herself not in snow, but in rain. Thought the snow was there, as was the blood, the only thing pouring was rain. She didn't even notice the tears she cried. They were only natural. ************************************************ Chapter 5 - What Dreams May Come Current mood: confused As the rain fell, she fell with it. Her eyes closed and, as the rain stopped, her dreams began... ************************** Roxanne stood in front of a mirror. She turned to her side and noticed a little bit more weight being carried on her torso. It's probably just water weight, she thought, but fearfully remembered the night before. She feared the worst could have happened as the months continued. She'd never used protection with this man and that scared her. Weeks later, she told her friends how she'd been feeling. About how everything sickened her. She didn't know what was happening. Her physicality soon began to grow and she knew it was more than a little weight. She delicately traced her fingers along her stomach and noticed the firmness. After missing her feminine curse for three months straight, she knew the truth. She told her friends how far along and every detail... ******************** Abruptly, she woke. What were these dreams telling her? Her analytical mind tried to make sense but could come up with nothing. What was her subconscious pregnancy a premonition of? Was it even a premonition? The options she feared were the very ones she wished to be true. Pregnancy in a dream symbolizes a new beginning. Perhaps her new beginning was with the dark haired mystery man. But who is he? ************************************************ Chapter 6 - Perfection or Pain? Current mood: weird Roxanne couldn't just sit in one spot so she trudged backwards along her already bloody path. She questioned these dreams. She was thankful they weren't true. But there had to be reasons for these dreams. She couldn't be just thinking of children and sex and abuse all the time; what was wrong with her? No one understood. No one cared to understand. And she didn't care to truly explain. She'd been this way for a while, hiding what she felt. She'd been betrayed before. She could be betrayed again. Perhaps that is what the abuse after-glow meant. She was allowing this dark-haired man to get the closest he could and he's betrayed her, abused her, hurt her. It all resulted in something she'd never expect but she is expecting. Perhaps the pregnancy symbolized something coming. When people really love each other, pregnancy can be good. But when there is something wrong in a relationship, a pregnancy becomes a problem, something to deal with. And yet, she still was unaware of who was the man. This simple fact could show what the dreams mean. It could show what she'd been trying to discover. But, as she fell asleep, there was the man again. She was ready for a beating and he was ready to heal her. Was this the same dark-haired man? The same one who hurt her and let her almost die before? She didn't know. She only knew that the same heartfelt voice said to her... "Miss me?" ************************************************ Chapter 7 - Relax and Relent Current mood: relaxed Roxanne decided to relax for a little while. She even made a snow castle and pretended she was small enough to be in it. But for the few moments she could escape, she continued with an entire day of moments that were...inescapable. She was thinking about the dark-haired man. And she decided it was just her dream man for now whom she perhaps already knew. That's too easy, she said, who meets their perfect person so quickly. But it was one of those days. She wish she had more of them. She loved the times when she could just let her mind wander. When she could have more than a second to figure something out and she had a lot to figure out. Melech, well, he was always an interesting topic. He thought she was mad still. But she wasn't. Not for a thing that was said before, not for a thing said today. And she knew she wouldn't be mad at a thing he'd ever really say. She just couldn't. When you go through as much as they have, fights and apologies alone, it's hard to stay mad at someone who knows you better than you know yourself. She had begun to face that horrific fact that he's going to always be untouchable. Though she almost knew that going into her relationship with him, she never quite let go. She knows she won't ever really let go. But that's part of the fun. Ojos? Well, he is a wonderful guy. She knew that. Driven. Sweet. Smart. He's a guy she comes to know more about every day. There's something about him. She doesn't know if it makes her uncomfortable or excited. But he makes her react. He makes her unsure of when she says "no" and always wonder if saying "yes" could darken that blood trail or erase it. Drahqul? Drahqul is something else. There always been something in her that makes her wonder. There's that attraction that never left her. She has always wanted him. And she's always wished that second chance wasn't always missed. But she lied to him, and not in that way that everyone knew Roxanne was entirely capable of. The truth is Swifty caused her mistakes. She can never forgive herself. Despite all efforts to convince her ignorant heart that forever forgetting him would be fine, she seems to get worse at lying as the months draw longer. Pascado is a wild card. An approaching interest. Pascado was...heading right towards that little snow castle. ********************** She always seemed to encounter people when she feared the confusion. She often felt like she should be doing more to make him see it all. She knew Pascado's security blanket was his loneliness at times and she wondered how that could be. For a man who had long dedicated his heart to the taken mode, his switch was easily clicked to "alone" with happiness. But for all of his happiness, he sure missed his former flame. Who could blame him? Though he tried eagerly to convince everyone including himself, that it was out of the blue to be so crudely dumped, but everyone already knew, there is no out of the blue. Nothing really comes from nothing. A bad emotion, a good emotion, a breakup, a new coupling. Everything has a lead up. And her feelings for each, they were building. *************************** Roxanne stood. They greeted each other but the sad excuse for entertainment she tried to play off wasn't working. They didn't talk. In fact, they barely looked at each other. Two hours seems to float by nothing had happened, except perhaps the exchange of twelve sentences. She blamed this on the fact they had a third person in their conversations and entertainment. Not that the addition impaired their time, since there wasn't really anything in the first place. When he left, he turned to Roxanne. They just hugged, no special embrace. But it was almost a joke. She turned and went back to her little snow castle, very lightly chuckling. "You know," she said, aloud, but to herself in a whisper, "that's the first time he's hugged me with both arms." ************************************************ Chapter 8 - A Castle To Cover Current mood: accomplished Roxanne gently traced her fingers around the castle to form a small moat. "It'll always protect this castle," she said aloud, yet again. She'd grown accustomed to saying everything out loud when she was alone. No one could hear her for miles anyway. Everyone had long left. This castle was magnificent but the one in her mind was more intricate than she could make. The cold snow chilled her fingertips and prevented further construction. She knew the castle she dreamt of. It was beautiful but height didn't really matter. Amount of stories wasn't an issue either. This castle was not practically structured on the outside or inside. Structures and columns were where they needn't be. Draperies hung on windows where no light shown towards. There were doors leading to nothing but a hallway to another area. In short, this structure would make Howard Roark cringe. Nothing about it was necessary. Except for the entrance doors. The entrance was a simple, two-door space. The lock was a flimsy lock, easily picked by a child even. But there was a second entrance out of that den. It also had two doors but the lock was more difficult. This lock had a lost key. Though Roxanne would've once known where the key would be, the blood in the snow had long buried it. Once passed these doors, you could see the entire interior. The perfect marble floors. The indescribable chandelier, which would light up the whole house in a storm. Also, easily shattered. The bedroom - same lock at the second doors but you had to know the right points to get the key in and to stop. Otherwise, the door would never open. No one had known how to open this door. Though few had neared it, everyone had stopped too soon or too late to realize the door was unlocked. This castle was made with her entire self, poured into it. Now, she didn't have to hide in the bloody snow. Her hardships had a home. ************************************************ Chapter 9 Current mood: nostalgic Roxanne loved that castle. She loved when she was alone and there was music blaring from every vibrating wall. She'd run through the curvy hallways and dance until she sweated. No, women don't sweat, she would remind herself. Women glow. Well, she certainly glowed a lot in these runabouts. She supposed she didn't mind alone when she was with herself. And her music or her writing. She could create another being in the room. She had no real loneliness, even when she was alone. Sometimes, in this castle, she would spend hours in the rooms that no one even knew existed. There was one part of the house with a particular room. Thousands of skeletons were in this room. The only characteristic that made this room her closet, and one of many, was the fact there were hangers and shelves and places to hang. But these skeletons preferred the floor. The door was easier to open than her bedroom door. When some bones fell out of the room, the whole skeleton never fell out. There were always pieces never to be found or that mismatched the skeleton. All the men Roxanne became involved with earned a new skeleton to her closet. There were bones for every secret. No one, other than that man, knew their secrets for the most part. No one knew the real reason she came to enjoy her Thursdays a few years ago. No one knew the real reasons she fell in love with Dashboard Confessional or why she liked mayonnaise on her fast food burgers. No one knew the real reasons why strawberry was her favorite flavor or why she loved her pool. Very few know her reasons for all the locks. In short, she's been screwed over too many times. People attempting to steal her chandelier. People attempting to steal priceless pieces from her castle. She's lost too much to the world to unlock the doors now. ************************************************ Chapter 10 - What a Merry Christmas Current mood: calm Roxanne stormed out of her castle doors, across the moat, back into the snow and sat. There were times when she couldn't stand that castle but this time, she could feel that someone was trying to creep in. People wanted to see the inside that had no right inside. She wanted them to stay out. Particularly of that bedroom. Everyone she was letting see the artwork on the walls, she thought that's what they wanted to see. But it wasn't. It was about going down the hallway, following the writing on the wall to her bedroom door. She'd catch them sneaking in and she'd consider the idea but make them leave. A few times, she'd hide from them. Some people would come looking for her but she'd flee her castle. There's only so many echoes it takes to fill the empty halls, giving false impressions. Once in her castle, she'd found the one person with every key, but he didn't ever use the bedroom one. She gave him an entire copy of keys. Sometimes, she'd block the doors. But he knew how far to press. Melech. She'd never really invited him in but he'd come when she needed him and they'd sit in the living room. Discussions of who-really-cares-but-them topics. They'd not really talked for a while. But to them, a while could be a few days or a few months. All "a while" really meant was time. It's how it all fell together. Roxanne really loves Melech and Melech feels the same, but to tolerate each other on a regular basis, nearly impossible. She thought the world of him and he didn't deserve it. His skeletons had a closet too. She'd seem some and didn't mind it. But today, on Christmas, she wasn't sure why she should pretend to be mad. So she didn't. Besides, to make a merry Christmas, she had to pass on her gift to him. She'd given him something he wanted and thus, "I love you" rang bells. "So, you aren't mad at me," Roxanne concluded, smothered in a warm, rocking embrace. "I do believe you were mad at me," stated Melech. But it made no difference. Everything was well now. The embrace was nothing more than establishing a reconciliation. One they'd had often. Some through tears, actually most. But this one, no tears. Just a warm embrace. He left. But she wasn't alone. It was Christmas. And somehow, she got a merry one. As she danced alone to music throughout the house, Drahqul scared her at the door. She always enjoyed the company, though she often carried conversations. Simple ones followed but awkward questions came. Talks of her worst kiss led to talks of the best. She knew he was the cake topper of that subject but nothing could keep her from the glasses of Nostalgia being served. Her memory was jogged with every pint she drank. This was the only drink she could hold. But before she could become drunk, she had to stop the visit, for fears of saying what she shouldn't. So ends Christmas, with a mouthful of words she'd regret not saying. Both to Melech and Drahqul. ************************************************ Chapter 11 Current mood: frustrated Roxanne was curled in a corner near her front door. Close enough to open if she saw someone coming, but far enough that she couldn't run out. She didn't want to run out, but she was sitting there for a reason. Someone had been let in that day. Someone who took unfair advantage of her hospitality. She let him tour the house briefly, for she'd expected only for him to stay momentarily. They had tried to entertain themselves with a movie, which soon was over. She could feel him inching towards her bedroom every chance he had. She'd made sure the door was locked, constantly tempted to unlock it, just for a chance, just to see what would happen. She thought of her dream. Was this the dark-haired man? Dark-haired? Yes. But a man? No, he was still a boy in ways that were all physical, mental, and hormonal. No man, no friend would try so profusely to break into her bedroom. These were her thoughts near the front door and she heard a knock. "What the hell...?" she thought. She looked through the peephole. She didn't want the boy back again, not if he was going to break into her room. But it wasn't the boy. It was Pascado. "Hey, um, can I come in or are you just going to keep looking?" Roxanne let him in. Pascado was always a great friend to her. But every time she got close to him, mentally or physically, she always left feeling like she missed something great. She had a feeling he knew that she felt something for him. And she wasn't quite sure why she wouldn't directly tell him. But tonight wasn't the night for it. No, she thought. It's never the night to tell him, is it? They sat on the couch. She was watching yet another movie. She hadn't actually sat down to relax in so long. She couldn't relax when she was with that boy. But with Pascado? She didn't feel like she had to constantly impress him. She didn't feel on edge, like she had to lock her bedroom door. He stayed for a little while but a little while was long enough for her to enjoy. They didn't go near her bedroom. In fact, they didn't travel far at all. But, when he left, she felt the same as she always did...like she missed out. ************************************************ Chapter 12 Current mood: crushed Roxanne sat in her bedroom, staring at the walls. But she couldn't stand it. It all looked like too much. She didn't see how someone else could want to go in anyway. But, even so, why did she protect it so then? She left her bedroom and just let herself lay beneath her chandelier. She tossed her mind's inquiries around. Pascado...Ojos...Melech...Drahqul...Dane, even... She knew her emotions for each without really knowing them. Sure, each of them had wonderful traits: smart, charming, determined, attractive, fun, entertaining, trustworthy. But they all had their own little things that kept her away. With Pascado, she constantly felt like he was pulling her close and pushing her away. She felt like her emotions were a toy to him, without him really knowing it. With Melech, she loved him. But this was a complicated love. She didn't know if it was romantic or friendship or in-between. She just knew, her relationship with him, it would never be more. With Ojos, she was scared. Because he was so uninhibited. And she had so much to keep careful attention to. And Drahqul, well, he's in love. And she can't take that. As for Roxanne, there were times when she felt like the chandelier could fall right on her and not hurt a bit. Not in comparison to these unfair entertainments. ************************************************ Chapter 13 - The Bird Current mood: rejected Roxanne had a bird. It was a beautiful, male blue jay. It's colors were remarkable and this blue jay told her everything it discovered. Well, one day, this bird, Nia, flew far from Roxanne's castle. Roxanne didn't know where he went to discover things but he was gone for days at a time, quite often. When he was away, Roxanne filled her days up. She enjoyed the company of "friends" today, but outside of her castle. The inside was a complete mess and there was still some snow on the ground. She decided to keep the outside still lovely, in spite of the inside's mess. She hated when the inside was messy, and even more so when people could see it's mess. But perhaps Nia would bring home some decent news. But this was no such luck. Nia came to the door and, as always, Roxanne only let her in the first doors. Nia gave her news; on Pascado's love for him old flame still burning bright. On Melech's love for his interest, Donna. How she'd said yes to a question Nia had not heard. About Ojos and his growing attraction. About Drahqul and his nonexistent want for Roxanne. About Dane and his frustrating behavior. About the boy's hormones. Nia continued her gossipy tales but Roxanne whimpered softly as she cried. Nia realized all the pain she was unfolding as she quickly stopped and left. Roxanne slammed the door shut, only crying because she'd been left out of a trust of the people she thought trusted her. ************************************************ Chapter 14 - How the Heart Breaks Current mood: anxious Don't you wanna go for a ride? Just keep your hands inside… Roxanne went outside to her car and got inside. It was the only truly quiet place she knew of. She could scream and cry and no one could hear her. She preferred it sometimes. It’s where she went to think. And make the most out of life… Tonight, she thought of a friend, a very dear one, named Neo. She had only known Neo for a short while but she felt like she’d been a friend with her before she was even birthed. She had grown so close to Neo. Neo was the only one who knew many of her secrets and Roxanne had begun to think this best friend would be around for a lifetime. With her. But now… Now don't you take it for granted… Neo’s decision would be to move. She would be leaving and Roxanne had long seen it coming. She knew she wouldn’t be there forever but she didn’t think she’d be gone so soon. Life is like a mean machine. It made a mess outta me. It left me caught between… Roxanne knew Neo’s best interest would lead her to a far away place, one where Roxanne could not follow. She thought and she was crowding the car’s air with the fearing, abandoned thoughts. She opened the door and fell to the snow, exhausted from her silent screams. She leaned against the front of the car, slumping down into the snow. She began to cry. She cried silently so no one could hear her while she was unprotected by any walls. Like an angry dream I was stranded… Her faint wailing became a lullaby to put her to sleep and she dreamt. But her subconscious mind tortured her still. She’d not thought of him for so long but she found herself dreaming of Pascado. In this dream, she found herself unable to erase him. In her dream, he slept with her on her bedroom’s couch. They did not touch but, in a moment, a friendly conversation caught a glance in silence and she didn’t see Pascado. She saw a man who she couldn’t have when he lain no more than two feet from her. They both turned from the stare and she fell asleep in her dream… And I'm steady but I'm starting to shake and I don't know how much more I can take…. …which ironically woke her back to this “reality.” She awoke in a startled state. After she realized where she was, she let her senses catch up. She began to shiver as the snow started to fall again. Her lips were a deep blue and her fingertips – frost-bitten. She knew she needed warmth and she climbed back into the car and as she inserted the key into the ignition, she saw a distant silhouette not too far away. She knew she had to leave but she wanted so badly to go back to the castle. The silhouette became a body. She didn’t want anyone to see her in this state of melancholy. The body was…Pascado. Well this is it now. Everybody get down. This is all I can take. This is how a heart breaks… Pascado knocked on her car window and she opened the door. “Hey, Roxanne. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.” “Really? Um, actually, I’m on my way out,” Roxanne replied. She didn’t know where she was going to go but it was away. She didn’t know why she wanted to leave but stay with him at the same time. She didn’t know why she wanted him to hug her and tell her she’d be fine without touching her at all. “You seem upset. Are you okay?” ”No, but I will be.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “Not really. But I do want to talk to you. Do you want to join me?” What was she doing? She had to be alone, so why was he invited? She didn’t really want alone. She wanted the company of someone who could understand. You take a hit now you feel it break down, make you stay wide-awake, this is how a heart breaks… “Can I bring a friend?” Pascado inquired. Roxanne knew which friend and she knew why. This friend was meant to help in the healing process from his former flame. She submitted to this entertainment. Though she knew now that discussing a thing with him would be impossible. ********************************************** Don't you want to go for a ride? Down to the other side, feels so good you could cry. Now won't you do what I told you? He would never meet her on time when this friend was accompanies. Never had, probably never will. This constantly disappointed Roxanne. She would never have his attention. I remember when you used to be shy. Yeah, once we were so fine you and I. Why you gotta make it so hard on me? Not even two days ago, her time with him was nothing but wonderful. She’d talked to him and she had so much left to say. She reminded herself of the casual contact they’d not even noticed. How he’d not moved when her hand brushed his knew. How she’d remained where she was when his arm accidentally touched hers. She laughed with him and it hurt her to know she was just a flirtation’s pastime. And I'm sorry but it's not a mistake… She knew what she wanted. She wanted to be alone but not lonely. She made him not lonely but, when he friend was there, she couldn’t be herself. And I'm running but you're getting away… She wanted to confide in him as he’d so many times asked of her. But in the way he continued to act, she didn’t thing she could. ******************************************* You're not the best thing that I knew Never was never cared too much for all this hanging around It's just the same thing all the time Never get what I want, never get too close to the end of the line You're just the same thing that I knew Back before the time when I was running from you She remembered when she wanted nothing to do with him. When that former flame had his heart and her friendship. She wanted nothing more than for him to be gone. He got in the way of her being herself. But now, she could be herself around him and she needed him to be there for her. Whenever Nia talked about his adventures, she wondered… Is this how the heart breaks? ************************************************ Chapter 15 Current mood: artistic Roxanne just wanted to leave Pascado behind. So she did. She left, feeling like she needed to talk him more than she ever had. But he still had no time for her. She'd get over it, she thought. So she found an old friend. She liked talking to old friends and she was never in the mood not to hear what's new. This old friend, another man, had his own castle. His wasn't made of snow. In fact, she didn't een know what material it was. Strange looking on the outside. She'd never been inside and he invited her to visit sometime. She knew she would. But, for now, she would just wander around her own property. She had something she needed to express. She didn't know how... ************************************************ Chapter 16 Current mood: artistic Roxanne wanted to sleep and, though she dreamed often, she never was absolutely relaxed. Long time since she relaxed and tonight, she was wishing for a night like that. She wanted to fall asleep. She wanted dreamless sleep. Maybe a dreamless sleep could help her realize what she wanted in life. Did she want money? No, not really. Though money could buy some retail therapy, she moreover wanted a reason to end all retail therapy. She wanted happiness. She had everything on a platter right now, even at times she didn't recognize it. She may not have a lover in Melech, but she had a friend. She may not have a date with Pascado but she had time. She may not have the closeness of Drahqul or even Ojos, but she had the attention. She may not have the convenience of the restaurant trips with Neo any longer, but she had this bond. And this new guy? She didn't know what she had with him. Another friend. But friends and attention sickened Roxanne. She didn't care about flirtations anymore. She didn't need pretenses. She wanted... Oh, like she knew. She couldn't even decide what to wear half of the time, in spite of her planning. Yes, she would try to plan her outfits for the following week. She would never go all the way through and maybe this reflected onto her real life. Her inability to decide. Her inability to follow through. Or was it that when she knew what she wanted, she always had to settle. Well, she was through with settling. Let them have their friendships. Let them hand out attention on the silver platters they thought they'd bought. But still. Roxanne had only one more shot in that gun. Only one tank left of gas. She had one choice to make and she didn't know how she could split it up. Clichés ran her - "You can't have your cake and eat it too." "It's not the end of the world." "There's plenty of fish in the sea." Well, she knew the last one. She took out her pole and went to the beach near the castle. No great one was complete without it. She put out the bait and waited for a catch. A good one. A keeper... She waited for a bite. And she heard a melody in the distance... The sanest days are mad why don't you find out for yourself? Then you'll see the price Very closely Some men here, They have a special interest in your career They wanna help you to grow And then siphon all your dough Why don't you find out for yourself? Then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass you'll never believe me so Why don't you find out for yourself? Sick down to my heart Well that's just the way it goes Some men here, They know the full extent of your distress They kneel and pray And they say: "Long may it last" Why don't you find out for yourself? Then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass Backseats come and go For which you must allow Sick down to my heart That's just the way it goes Don't rake up my mistakes I know exactly what they are And what do you do? Well, you just sit there I've been stabbed in the back So many, many times I don't have any skin But that's just the way it goes She knew the voice. Brandon Flowers sings in her ear. He asks her, "Why don't you find out for yourself?" Softly, she whispers, "I don't know where to start." "It started out with a kiss," he replies. A kiss. Maybe that's where she'll find an answer. ************************************************ Chapter 17 - Pascado, this one is for you Roxanne needed someone around to understand that she didn't understand anything. She wanted to get out of this life, this unbearable castle. She knew Pascado would be having fun with his friends but she foolishly decided to accompany him. She arrived near a tree house. This tree house was really amazing. Funny how it is that, even with the most awesome tree house, some people can ruin it. She climbed down from this tree house and sought after that boy. Pascado caught up and asked what was wrong. "It takes too long to explain," Roxanne lied. She knew exactly what was wrong. "Should I have told you who would be here?" Pascado asked. He was right on track. It wasn't the fact he didn't tell her. She kind of knew she'd be there. "No, just, I'm leaving." "Well, are you okay?" "Not really." She figured she would tell one truth. How would he react to know she felt jealous that he was so wanted and she was always wanting? "Well, when you get home, will you tell me what's wrong? Call me or something? Tomorrow?" She knew calling him tomorrow wouldn't work. They ended their brief conversation with a promise of a few moments together soon. But, likely, he would bring her. She wished he wouldn't. She walked home and thought to herself. She wondered how Pascado felt about her. Were his intentions purely flirtatious? Would he ever get over that flame in his mind? Would he ever... "Hey." A new voice. A familiar one, oddly. His name was Kattan. "Hey, how are you?" "Good." Their conversation roamed through discussions of bedrooms and one skeleton that was knocking on both of their doors. She'd known him a while and, when she'd met him, she wanted to know him better. He was the kind of guy she could just tell she likes and he, surprisingly, responded the same. Their conversation ended and Roxanne continued all the way home. That closet of skeletons was overflowing. She knew they'd be let out soon. Not yet. And somehow, Pascado was the only one she would want to open it right now. Melech, Roxanne still loved him. But, she couldn't spend her time thinking of someone who could never love her in the way she loved him. This was her past want but it kept emerging. She screamed: "How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart? It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out till you're torn apart." ************************************************ Chapter 18 - Here's it all to Melech Current mood: pensive Roxanne welcomed a new year, a new opportunity and she knew, this whole last year that she had, all the drama she had partaken in, she was determined to change. For the entire eve of the New Year, Roxanne couldn't be busier. She spent a good portion of her day serving others, like usual. She finally had a time to relax and have some fun in a tree house where she knew she was comfortable. God was watching and she hoped He would have a word or two for how to guide her. She ran into Melech and almost feared what would come. She'd long needed a talk with him and talk, they did. "Hey." "Hi." "There's something that's been on my mind, Melech, but I don't want to hurt you in saying it." "Since when have you been worried about what would hurt me?" The words cut deep to Roxanne, though she continued with her explanations. "Since now. I feel like we're farther apart than we've ever been. I mean, I know we are close. I love you and that's that. But why won't you let me in?" "The past is the past," Melech told her. "My past is my past and it shouldn't affect our past or our future." "But how can you know where you're going if you don't know where you've been?" "Because I know. I know where I'm going. We know where we're going." "Really? Because I have no idea." "Then you know what I know." "I don't know. I love you. Why can't you grasp that? Why can't you understand?" They conversed the same general idea for a good amount of time. Finally, he said, "I love you more than you will ever know, and it's not because I won't tell you. "Well, then why is it?" "Can't you be patient? Learn to just listen, Roxanne. It's because there aren't words to explain what I would do for you." "Maybe 'I love you' says it all, Melech. Maybe, just maybe, it's all that you could need." She left. She still was unsure on what "love" she meant when she gave it to him. Nia had told her one thing though - with the way he behaved and protected her, he either loved her like a sister or lied to the world about him not wanting her. She brushed Nia off her shoulder and returned to the couch in her living room. She didn't care which was true. Just that he loved her at all what all she wanted. ************************************************ Chapter 19 - Current mood: satisfied Roxanne wandered around her lonely castle. It's visitors had left for the night and these were the sad times to her - when everyone left. She even let Nia leave. She was aware that Nia had met another bird in her travels and Nia was not one to remained un-gossipy. This crow she'd met, she's tell everything to, without regard to what Roxanne wanted. So, Roxanne told Nia to tell the crow a message. She'd learned this bird was Ojos. Though Ojos was charming and handsome and courteous, her only communication was his crow and Nia. Their castles were so far from each other. She knew they'd meet so Nia let the crow know the truth, how Roxanne couldn't love Ojos. Not now. The crow didn't like this but returned to Ojos with the news. Roxanne felt bad but she knew this was fairest and the best option. She went to sleep that night and dreamt thousands of dreams. These dreams disappeared the moment she awakened though. Maybe that was good? As she was waking, a reminder came to mind. Neo was leaving. Roxanne cried, her sobs reverberating off of her castle walls. She knew Neo would never leave her heart and she'd return to the castle soon. But soon seemed forever away. Neo had even come to say goodbye. But Roxanne wasn't there. Her loneliness had been mildly sedated by morning. She heard a knock at the door and found herself face to face with some neighbors - Stunna and Spunki. She'd known Spunki a long time. She was friends with her close sister, Fiona. Stunna was Spunki's boyfriend. They were sweet together and they both constantly needed her counsel. She'd begun a room for this particular event. But today was not a day to give counsel. It was a day to receive it. "You know, Roxanne, you really just need to go for him," Stunna told her. "It's not a matter of going for it. It's a matter of going for one," Roxanne replied. Stunna and Roxanne had known each other for a short time, though she'd once wanted him. Now, Spunki had him and she couldn't be happier for them. But Stunna had come into the habit of trying to counsel Roxanne. And she wasn't in the mood. Stunna and Spunki soon left, happy they'd stopped by and Roxanne was more than happy to have had the company. But she knew who Stunna was referring to - Melech. Wasn't it always? Even when both Roxanne and Melech know that this friendship they hold is real, they like to have random fights to keep it fresh. Stunna just saw Melech as a ploy to trick Roxanne. Maybe it was. But Roxanne trusts Melech not to trick her. Pascado hadn't visited the castle in sometime. Roxanne missed their inappropriate, though entertaining conversations. Maybe tomorrow. She always had tomorrow. Then, a little voice said, "There is no future. There is no past...no day but today." ************************************************ Chapter 20 Current mood: accomplished Roxanne was sick of everything and she found someone who could understand that: Pascado. She knew why the seed had been planted. She knew why she liked him, or thought she did. Their mutual friend, James, had planted it from the very beginning and she was learning to dig up the dirt. She found what she really had in Pascado – a budding friendship. She was almost relieved to have a friend instead of an unrequited crush. She knew she could express things about her life to Pascado that no one else would understand. And he, in turn, could return the favor and express his emotions and thoughts to her. Roxanne felt bad that his girlfriend, Cosquillas, didn’t think she liked her. In all honesty, though she began that friendship with doubt, she was now living it with admiration and fun. Now that Roxanne knew Pascado didn’t feel the same, she could move on with her dramatic, eventful adventures in Visarra. She still didn’t know a lot. She didn’t know how Kattan felt for her, though he claimed to like her. She didn’t exactly know how Melech felt for her (he thought this was a good thing). She was utterly confused about Drahqul. Then again, she always was. Besides, men were just a foreign idea. She didn’t understand them a bit but that was okay. She didn’t want to understand them all. She barely understood herself. ************************************************ 11:04 AM - Chapter 21 - Who/What/Why Roxanne isn't letting go Current mood: accomplished Roxanne awoke the next morning. She didn’t even remember falling asleep. Visarra was too noisy of a place to sleep through. She knew her day awaited her but she just couldn’t wait for the day. It seemed like she wanted everything too soon or not yet. She wanted it all right now or sometimes in the too-distant future. She knew that got her into trouble. Everyone could deal with her, usually, but Ojos didn’t want to take it. She knew she’d told him she couldn’t be with him. And she completely stood beside her decision. She was happy she could even make one. But she remembered what he told her. “You can’t just hold onto your past.” She hated when everyone but one was wrong. She wished everyone were right or wrong. But would she listen to him? Of course, not. She was too close to her past. She kept thinking, maybe if I hold on a little longer, it’ll happen. When had that ever worked? She waited for Dane to come back and look at what he’d done; he’d left her out to dry when he finally returned to Visarra from his sabbatical. But Dane was a special case. He was the first one she’d ever trusted, her first real kiss. She didn’t know if she could still say her first love. She trusted him with all she could and he still didn’t want her. Fights were too hard. But what could she do about it? It occurred to Roxanne she was still in her bed. She got up and went to the kitchen to get a little something to eat as she thought. Others that she held out for – she’d been holding out for Melech. She had to be honest with herself. She knew she liked him still. Melech had told her that she had no idea how he felt for her. She was beginning, not to lose interest but, to get frustrated with not knowing. She was sick of mind games. There was Kattan. She didn’t so much hold out for him but she did what she could. When he was working long hours and long weeks, it was difficult to get in touch with him. She still liked him and she hadn’t given up on him. She still continued her crush. From working with him to working on him, there wasn’t a day without work. But Kattan was attractive, hilarious, fun, and smart. Who would get rid of this guy? And Pascado – they had talked the night before. She knew what she really felt for Pascado was the close friendship she shared with him. She was no longer waiting on him. He was happy. And they were friends. And she definitely needed a friend. Her only wish would be that he would stop living in the past, as hypocritical as she could sound. He had this wonderful girlfriend, Cosquillas. Maybe she would be able to rid him of his negative thoughts about his old flame, Dulce. Drahqul was still a mystery. And, for now, while he was also in his “perfect” relationship, she’d prefer that. She wanted so much for him to return to Visarra. But she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t waste his time without a lifetime guarantee. She didn’t know how much she could really offer if he came back anyway. She had love for him, but she didn’t think it would be enough. He’d have to be the only one she’d have eyes for. Otherwise, it would be unfair. And she would hate to be unfair. Roxanne was holding onto the past. That part, Ojos was right about. She did need to let go. But sometimes, you need to be ready to let go. And she wasn’t. She didn't want to let go. Her reason was that she wanted to know how these men she craved felt for her. She couldn’t let go if she knew she had some chance. She needed to know if she was just wasting her time. She’d finished eating and she had to clean up all of her messes. She listened as Rob Thomas crooned, “Don't let them get where they're going to. You know they're only what they think of you. You heard of this emotional trickery and you felt like you were learning the ropes but where you're going now you don't now. When the kids on the street say, ‘what's your problem girl?’ and the weight of their smile gets too much for you to bear; when they all make you feel like you're a problem girl, remember: You're no problem at all. Pride like promises can let you down. You thought that you'd be feeling better by now. You worry all the things they could do to you. You worry about the things they could say. Maybe you're seeing things the wrong way.” ************************************************ Chapter 23 Current mood: lethargic Roxanne didn’t think it was that horrible. She did this kind of thing a lot. Maybe it was okay to think a little less of her. But, funny enough, it wasn’t false confidence she tried to convey. It was the confidence itself. She knew she considered herself attractive, though “sexy” and “beautiful” were a little too scary for her modesty. She believed she was smart and knew what she was doing, but she didn’t believe in what she knew sometimes. She knew what she really wanted, but she was afraid that stating it would push the world away. But she had no confidence in her decisions. She couldn’t stand behind her decisions and, thus, she didn’t want to make them. She didn’t want to decide on one thing in case it turned out badly. She didn’t want to admit how pretty she thought she was, because she secretly feared someone would tell her otherwise. She liked to tell herself the people who said she’s pretty, were lying anyway. No one saw her how she saw her. When she looked in the mirror, she would have times the image would vary. Sometimes, the image she saw would be truly ugly. She would be outwardly all-smiles. On the inside, she wished for a different home to reside in. She would wish the windows in the one she owned would not exist. She couldn’t be happy at these times. How sad it was that she must be inspired to love herself. She’d been inspired lately though. She had forgotten about the many skeletons in that closet. She’d forgotten the bedroom door’s key somewhere. Maybe someone had stolen it without her knowledge. She didn’t much care anymore. About anything. She just knew she was truly sick of being lead on. But sometimes, she knew she was leading and she just made them follow. She longed to confide in Ojos about life but she wasn’t ready for that. She honestly didn’t know how to talk to him about life in Visarra and about the world she loved without involving his impressions. Even though he did. She loved when Pascado visited her castle. She knew they would never have a dull conversation, for they always flowed. She didn’t care what friends she earned anymore. She didn’t want a huge quantity. But she loved most of the quality. She hadn’t seen Melech in so long. She wanted to know the way he felt for her, for he had told her: “You don’t know how I really feel about you, which could be a good thing or a bad thing.” She wished someone would say what was on their mind about her. She wished that, even if she wasn’t on Kattan’s, or Melech’s, or Drahqul’s mind, they’d at least say so. Letting go would be terribly difficult. But, in letting go, she began to draw the moat’s bridge up, keeping any visitor’s away. ************************************************ 3:09 PM - Chapter 23 - So she lives Current mood: okay Roxanne was almost finished drawing up the bridge when she saw Melech and Neo, and it nearly scared her. She stopped the gate and let it back down but only for them, only now. Neo was only back for a night and this Roxanne knew. But why Melech was here, she remained unaware. The three went into Roxanne's castle but Neo stayed away for a moment. She knew this conversation would be serious and Roxanne would want to talk to him. Neo left and made herself comfortable in the living room. Melech told Roxanne gently: "You're going to be mad at me." Roxanne knew this sentence set the mood. The walls would rattle in her castle and she heard thunder. She became scared. He continued to tell her about how the garden she so loved was not the same. This garden where she praised the world and it's eternity within her castle's territory, it was a garden he would no longer call his own. He invited her to the new garden he’d found, a beautiful one. But she told him she'd stay at hers. She didn’t know where else she would go. Another roll of thunder rumbled the castle walls. He continued. Melech told her, though he loved her, their relationship would never be one she kept in her bedroom. Roxanne had almost hoped it wouldn’t be. He told her she would have everything she would ever want if he had this power but such powers are not granted to those in Visarra. He granted her the knowledge of how he felt for her, which amounted to everything in the world and nothing at all. This word he searched for was so much greater than love and there was nothing able to make that chandelier shake more. He told her the love he felt would never result in the closeness she thought existed. The lightening struck and her stonewalls burned but didn’t break. Roxanne longed to hug him and was so permitted. She never wanted a bedroom romance but she wished she’d admitted this to herself sooner. She knew all along what he would say but never wanted to hear it. No sooner had she let go of his hug was he gone. She turned to Neo and the rain poured harder. The thunder rolled and the lightening struck. "I don't want you to go," Roxanne said. Neo and Roxanne hugged and Roxanne feared this would be the last time. The rain poured. And poured. ************************************************ 10:33 PM - Chapter 24 - No more snow Current mood: indescribable It was the next morning and the rain was still pouring. No matter what Roxanne did, she couldn't keep the rain away. Her once snow castle was now stone. The snowy ground was melting. But the blood from her heart covered the ground. She went outside to bleed. She came back inside and until the afternoon, it rained. Finally, it stopped. It was almost as if Visarra ran out of water and had to recuperate. She knew she needed time where she could just be herself and she turned to someone she still had a chance of counting on - Kattan. Pascado hadn't even tried to visit during this rain but Kattan just could make her feel better. She needed to feel better. They ventured away from the castle and the garden, where no snow was prevalent. They hinted at her castle and eventually returned to it. They ventured no further than the doorway of her bedroom. Once he’d left, Pascado soon entered. Roxanne felt like he was doing this only to make up a visit but she permitted it and went with him. The friend she found in him seemed to have a quality she’d been looking for but she didn’t know what it was. But she still couldn’t find it in her to trust him. Strike one. He only made one mistake and that was leaving when everyone else did. The rain began to sprinkle. When Neo left Visarra, and Melech left the garden, no one walked in. No one would walk in when she didn’t let them. ************************************************ Chapter 25 - A party at the castle Current mood: accomplished Who was Roxanne kidding? She decided her castle would have a party and she would introduce old- to newcomers. Though all were invited, for she wanted a guest list that she could want. She didn’t see several people invited to the castle, such as Melech, for he’d refused her invitation. Or Neo, but her trips to Visarra continued to be limited. Roxanne and Neo knew the invitation was always open, party or no party. And they both would drop by, with or without invitation. Kattan was the first one to arrive, hours before the rest. They enjoyed the time in the castle and he made her venture outside of her stonewalls. He screamed out to the mountains and she wasn’t the least uncomfortable, even though he asked if she was. Somehow, she was completely content with him outside and he made her able to be out of that castle and feel slightly safer. Soon, Pascado arrived, not yet followed with Cosquillas. He knew Roxanne always needed someone to unlock the door for her. When Kattan went off to play alone, to sing of minutes and dazzling people, Pascado and Roxanne left to talk. “So, are you okay?” Pascado began. He knew it all but one of those tidbits was Roxanne’s inability to truly trust him. “Not really,” Roxanne said. She continued with all that bothered her, as she heard commotion in the garden. Roxanne went to the garden, only to hear guests she didn’t want talking about her beloved friend, Spike. Spike was in the midst of an upheaval. As he tried to plant his lavender flower, others in the garden tore it out. As he tried to replant, they wouldn’t allow him, and this upset Roxanne. She wanted them to leave the garden, though they would never be allowed in her castle. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew Melech was right. How can you plant in a garden that is not fertile? They returned to her castle and she let in very few, or tried. Drahqul denied her invitation, but with a rain check. New arrivals included Strana, Koba, and Brooks. They all came from outside of Visarra, but Roxanne always enjoyed their company. The party began the end of her certainty as the music blared. ************************************************ Chapter 26 - The Party Continues Current mood: thirsty Roxanne could feel the base of the music. She wanted to turn it down but her friends, both new and old, would be angry. Why disturb the happiness at the expense of her comfort? The party roused the bedroom factor in the guests and several made their way to the guest bedrooms to enjoy their own fun in the rooms not belonging to Roxanne. She watched as the door let more people in and in walked Dane. Roxanne couldnt move for a second. He’d been gone so long. He hadn’t visited, more or less because he was uninvited. But he walked in and she didn’t stop him. Before long, Dane was inching towards her bedroom and they’d made apparent, implied plans to meet there. But Roxanne knew what she wanted. It wasn’t anything he could provide. She wanted love but she feared it. Moreover, she didn’t want his love. She didn’t want him in her bedroom, even though, lately, she wouldn’t have cared who joined her. Kattan and Roxanne joked around. Again, the advances towards the bedroom. They also made plans, apparent and implied, but this would be after the party. And this would not be her bedroom, but his. This mere idea both excited and scared her. A new arrival came, though she didn’t let him all the way in. His name unknown, she let him in, but barely. As for more guests, one stood out Bobby. Shed left her own party to go to his bedroom. They never met the bed, though they neared it. Bobby’s home was for the heart of another but Roxanne needed to not care. Her garden was slowly dying as she consistently visited Bobby’s bedroom. She knew she needed to tend to it, but Bobby made her want to compromise for the simple fact that she needed to be necessary to the good in someone’s life. After a while, she stayed at the party. She didn’t really respect Bobby’s decision. But she wasn’t convicted to undo her doings. She ended the party. ************************************************ Chapter 27 - A Late Visitor Current mood: accomplished Roxanne pushed everyone out, except for the people who always would stay to help be the cleanup crew. It turned out that everyone left the mess they made simply because it was just another place. Pascado had stayed to clean but he was nearly the only one. Spunki had left without Stunna and he'd stayed to help. The "boy," now with the name Clandestine, has also stayed. As they assisted her in picking up the pieces, someone else stumbled in the door and Roxanne was slightly taken back. This was someone she'd just met and hadn't invited to her party because she wasn't sure he would've accepted anyway. He just figured she'd forgotten. His name was Tren. He welcomed himself in and she felt like he was a regular visitor. Tren was about 5'9" with short, dirty blonde hair. He didn't care much for anything so Roxanne became a quick exception. She was impressed by his respect to her home. He didn't once put his feet on her furniture. She saw him trying to pick the lock of the skeleton closet but when he realized she wanted it left alone, he persisted no longer. Everyone left when the castle was restored. Pascado, Tren, Stunna, and Clandestine all would be back soon. For now, Roxanne wanted to be alone. She waved goodbye and they left. She was preparing to lock the door as the voice of Melech escaped the crack in the door. Don't let him in, don't do it, she told herself. He's here to hurt you again. Remember, you don't want him anyway. Those words made her let him in. What use was it to be over someone if you couldn't have the temptation to do otherwise? Melech and Roxanne talked, not about anything in particular, but for once, they didn't fight. They relaxed and his arm decorated her shoulders. Soon, she left. She decided she wanted to hang out with Brooks and Strana so she left her own castle. She made him leave before he did. She waved goodbye, wondering if leaving him was a mistake. She thought of Tren. Letting go of Melech couldn't be a mistake. Just if she let go of the friend she once had. ************************************************ Chapter 28 - Drahqul Current mood: accomplished Roxanne was miserable. Not like it was some big secret anymore. That garden of hers was nearly dead. It's been going through a drought but maybe it needed a drought. She walked around her castle and went back inside to find Drahqul in the living room. How she forgot to lock the door was beyond her but she greeted him warmly. He hadn't seen the garden or he'd know what was wrong from the start. But, even without seeing the garden, he saw the stonewalls were worn and he saw in Roxanne's tone. He neglected not a moment to ask what was wrong. Roxanne didn't know how to answer when everything seemed wrong. She explained to him how much she longed to give out the key to her castle but she didn't feel anyone could keep it safe and take care of it the way she did. She had given so many people keys but she'd been changing the locks. They continued to talk for hours. He didn't once head for her bedroom or skeletons. He let her be her. For once, she thought, someone who lets me free from myself. ************************************************ Chapter 29 - Friendly Current mood: confused Roxanne escorted Drahqul out when he left. She loved his company every time. ******************* Dane quickly came to the door but Roxanne took him to the doorstep to talk. He asked why he wasn't allowed in. "We're not that friendly," Roxanne told him. Hurt, Dane left in a huff like he intended to offend her. No, she knew why he'd be there. For the bedroom key. The key he'd tried to get for the last 2 years. ****************** She invited Ojos over. She missed his company and his appeal had increased since he moved to Visarra. She loved the path between their houses. It connected them in a way very different from the others. Ojos was her confidante still. *************** As for Tren, he was discussed when Cosquillas asked about him. Roxanne wanted to let him in, even let him in her bedroom, but she feared he didn't really want to come to her castle anyway. Just the bedroom. A passerby, well until this point, named Viaje, commented on their interactions. "There seems to be something beneath the surface," Viaje commented. "How so?" Roxanne inquired. "There's flirting but there's that look at the end. The one that says, 'I'm not just kidding.'" "I don't know about Tren." "Why?" "I feel like it's too much work. I'm not into BS. I feel that, if he wanted me, really, he would've made a move." "Maybe you should." ******************* Melech and Roxanne had been going through too much to count. The hassles she felt were that he wanted her gone but wasn't ready for "goodbye." She never wanted him gone. She just wished that, for once when she would try to visit his castle, he wouldn't shut and deadbolt the door. ************************************************ Chapter 30 - Viaje, the confidante Current mood: artistic Roxanne didn't know what to do. She felt neglected in her castle. She didn't care if it was clean or dirty. She liked it clean but sometimes, things got messy. Viaje was a quick new friend. She could sense something there when they'd talk. He'd look over her shoulder and his body would be a little closer. They'd continue their talks of Tren, as Tren had become their link. Not the only one, but it held prominence. She didn't want to admit it. Tren was thinking of someone else. And he would talk to Roxanne about it. And Roxanne would run to Viaje. Viaje wouldn't say much. But maybe he didn't always need to. What was Roxanne thinking? She was only hoping someone would think of her as more than just a visit. More than just a gardener. More than just a girl or woman. She wanted someone to see her and see more than a friend. She wanted to be the one the others cried over and wanted. She wanted a little love in her life. A little flame. ************************************************ Chapter 31 - Ojos and Roxanne Current mood: mellow "I love you. You're not crazy." The words startled Roxanne. She turned around and gazed at her door. Ojos. Ojos to bring her back to a reality she couldn't understand. Nia and the raven were close behind him. They paused for a moment as the bird flew to the snow. "I love you, too. What's wrong?" The phrase came so easily and it kind of startled her. But they continued their conversation. The couch was their comfort zone as the sound blurred out of the scene. She felt as if she was watching them talk. They laughed and she caught a glimpse or two of Ojos watching her. She simply smiled, or stuck out her tongue, as if showing it off. At least, that's how it could appear. They jokes of the reality of a meal, innocence, and sheets. Her first thoughts were her bedroom sheets and she shook the thought out of her head. What was wrong with her. A fact she'd been neglecting was Ojos's unavailability. His raven could see through the window with Nia. They debated the secrets they held. Roxanne felt this strong hold on her heart. She longed for that touch to make her feel not so alone. Ojos had his touch. Viaje would hear about Roxanne's troubles soon enough. But for tonight, she wished to make it, not a trouble but, an event. ************************************************ Chapter 32 - Roxanne splits Current mood: indescribable Roxanne knew Ojos would leave so she told him he could. Reluctantly, he traveled back to his new home in Visarra. Roxanne felt herself beginning to shake and couldn't understand why. She felt a sudden jerk and there she was, standing face to face with herself. Not a mirror. Her psyche had separated. Both knew what they needed to talk about, the guy she wouldn't even admit to anyone, hardly herself. They spoke, Roxanne 1: "How could he?" Roxanne 2: "How could you let him go?" "You just don't know." "Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain, at least now if you try. "What if I don't know how to try? Or care anymore?" "Are you insane? There so much to care about. There's me - there's him." "He's got his baggage too." "So do you." "Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do?" "A friend." "But who, Roxanne, are you? Roxanne has got her work. They say 'Roxanne lives just to work.' And 'Roxanne's in love with her writing.' Roxanne hides in everything." "But from what?" "From facing your failure, facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie." "No, I don't. I don't lie." "Yes, you live a lie. Let me tell you how. You're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive. "Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive" "Poor baby. Don't put your pity trip. I'm not going on another life knowing just you in me." "Maybe he loves you. Are you really jealous or afraid he'll get hurt? "I just want him to be happy. Even without me." "No, you want him. You know you want him. You're so afraid of him getting hurt and you ruining it all. What are you going to do when that day comes along when it's all getting perfect and right and he wants you and loves you like you have needed your whole life? You're running out the door." "No more! I want you to go." "Hey, for somebody who's always been let down, who's running me out?" "For someone who longs for a community of her own, who's with her stories, alone?" ************************************************ Chapter 33 - The last you'll see of Dane Current mood: pissed off Roxanne merged back to one with just enough time to answer the door. It was Dane. What an unexpected visit. She wasn't sure how this would go. But she wanted to make the points she longed to make. They sat on the floor. She didn't want him on the couch where Ojos and herself and talked. "Hey." Dane began. "What's up?" Roxanne replied, casually. "Did I tell you about me and Carrie?" Carrie was a girl they both used to know. But she was familiar with Sadie, his girlfriend. "No." "She broke up with me." "When were you together? I thought she used to hate you. Last time I checked, you were with Sadie. When did all this happen?" "I broke with Sadie on Friday and asked Carrie out on Saturday night." "Something? I mean, I just thought that Carrie really hated you before. She used to get on my case for being with you so, then, how's single life?" "I hate it. I really liked her." "I'm sorry." "What about you?" The one phrase Roxanne hated the most. She wasn't sure what she was saying as she spoke after but she did. "Um." What a great start. "Yes, "um" basically nips it in the bud. "Um" is my life. My personal life is a "Hmm. that's interesting" My friend life is "I don't understand the question. Oh if only you knew." Roxanne cringed to herself as she knew this phrase was a bad idea." "Tell me then," Dane responded. Roxanne knew she would. "Which one do I start with - friends, love, money?" "You pick." "You asked, you get the honor of picking." "Love." "And why, good friend, do you choose that?" "Because I want you to be happy." "Well, I don't know if I am. There's so much involving "happy." I mean, honestly, the bad part of being alone with these locked doors is not having someone there to be like ‘Hey I miss you. You're the best thing going on with me right now. And I think you're the most beautiful when you just get out of the shower and are trying to get your eyeliner off your cheeks and beads of water are on your shoulders with your towel wrapped around your hair." I like that and that would really make me happy." "I've said something to that effect." "But here's the difference - " "Do I wanna know?" Dane interrupted. He always did. "Now, you don't. You don't see me anymore like that. And you don't think I'm beautiful without the feeling. I want that guy who's gonna call me up at work and surprise me with visits. Who I mean more than just a friend to. Who wants to show me off to his friends because they can't touch. Who... I don't know... Who loves me, you know? Why the hell am I telling you this?" "Because you could always tell me these things." "Yes, but, we're not that friendly anymore. And I know why and it's not fixable. I think it's because you wanted to know. "Why aren’t we? And why isn't it fixable?" "We're not because you hurt me in this way that nearly killed me. And I would've let it. And the thing you said you wouldn't do, you did. And you can't fix it because time machines can undo what happened but not how it hurt. "I'm a terrible person. Right?" "You have to put it harshly. What you did was very terrible, yes. But the part that killed me is that you lied about something you would never do. That I was the person who you loved spending time with and ending up being the person who wanted too much. After I blamed everything on myself, I realized I was more than that. "I could’ve told you that." The phrase caught Roxanne's ear. She stood up and her eyes were fixated at him, as if offended. "Then why didn't you. Why did you let me spend two years of us broken up, wanting you like I did, if you knew I was more than that?" "I don't have an answer." "You should've." "Why did you let me kill myself emotionally from this, if you knew I was more than this?" "I guess I didn't realize that you were going through all of this." "How could you not? I'd been doing that since the third time around, after Drahqul and I split and you and I began talking again. You made me think you really loved me and then, when you got back and dumped me, it made me feel like this was your opportunity in Visarra to make a name for yourself again and reap the land." "MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF?" Dane yelled. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO? " "Well it certainly seemed so. Three days into a new social year. You called me clingy and dated Cadera, my best friend at the time, a week and a half later. What was I supposed to think?" Dane was silent. “You don't know. Fine, you don't know. I don't care anymore." Dane turned to leave. Roxanne always kept a pistol near her door. She called his name and, as her hands trembled, she tearfully shot him. She watched him fall as the snow covered him, becoming a deep, crimson red. ************************************************ Chapter 34 - The tears Current mood: loved Roxanne knew how to cry by now. She'd done it before. She walked away from her door, for she wanted not to see the body of who she never wanted. But when she turned and shut the door, she felt a presence accompanying the wind. She felt it near her bedroom and she shook it off. Passing her desk, she held a small book, which held the place of the heart she'd been given. On some days, she couldn't find it, but she would never harm it. Never. But some days, she'd hold it close, but it wouldn't beat. And she'd let it go, and again, it would beat. She didn't know why it would always work that way, but she kept it. Just in case, in a time of complete spontaneity, it would beat as she held it. ************************************************ Chapter 35 Current mood: moody Roxanne went to her garden, only to find a familiar face waiting: Melech. She wondered why he was there and part of her didn't care. She was happy he would see her at all, even if things had changed. She invited him in and, in the living room, sat an additional sofa. Melech and Roxanne sat on the new one. This sofa was not as comfortable as the one Ojos would sit on, but it had that familiar smell of a well-worn fabric. Melech didn't want to begin yet and he excused himself to the kitchen to retrieve a drink. Roxanne stood from the sofa of Melech to the one held by Ojos. She laid down and thought of sweet memories. She daydreamed and soon, she was so lost in thought, she feared the very idea of getting off of the sofa, for fear every memory would erase. But Melech's footsteps neared and she needed to focus on him. Melech returned and he invited Roxanne to his own home. It was a cottage, not some elaborate castle, but it was cozy. There were some rooms that she would never be allowed to unlock but she went still. They sat on his sofa and he began: "You see, here's what happened..." ************************************************ Chapter 36 Current mood: nostalgic Melech's story barely took a sentence. He didn't so much want to discuss, but know he could if he wanted to. Melech left shortly as the night came to a close... ************ Roxanne had hidden in her castle for so long and two friends of hers, Alecia and Stacey, decided to take her out. It was an exhausting night but all together, fun. ************ Roxanne returned to her castle, partially hoping to see Ojos stop by. She wanted to talk to him, since she felt like she hadn't in so long. She heard a voice, singing, "We both know that I shouldn't be here. This is wrong and baby it's killing me, it's killing you, both of us trying to be strong. I've got somewhere else to be with promises to keep, someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep. I've made up my mind. There is no turning back. She's been good to me and she deserves better than that. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie to show no emotion when you start to cry. I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my hearts not free. I don't want to live a lie. What can I do?" All the words rang in her ear and she thought of one person - Ojos. Pascado wouldn't understand. Drahqul had long forgotten her. Melech could barely fathom her thoughts of someone else. She had only Ojos to turn to and he wasn't there at this time. She looked out of her window as she saw Nia with the same crow. ************************************************ Chapter 37 - The Garden And A Prayer Current mood: hopeful Roxanne was hiding in her room. She didn't care who would find her, if they did. She reluctantly rose, descending down her winding staircase and to the garden. She found a comfortable spot in the garden and sat down, and looked at the sky. For once, there was no rain, no snow. Though the clouds still decorated the soft sky, they were minimal. Roxanne thought aloud to herself. "What's wrong with me? The only thing I know is where I've been. I have not the slightest idea where I'm going. Maybe, if I knew, I'd know why I'm so lost. I mean, Melech means so much to me. He's been my best friend for too damn long to lose now. But I will and there's nothing I can stop it with. There's Stunna, and he's so optimistic and he can't really see how much life can bite you in the ass yet. Which is probably good. Clandestine is gone for now. And I have no clue when he'll be back, if he's okay. Ojos and Drahqul are only a worry if they intersect. I'm just sick of being the wrong choice all the time. Everyone leaves me behind and love just hasn't been there for me. Someone told me a few days ago that, if I want someone so badly, then get someone. But it's not that easy." Roxanne couldn't find what she thought would be easy. "I know life's not easy. I know there's not a thing worth getting in life that there's a shortcut to. For the really great things in life, you have to take a scenic route, the long way, the detour. But I've been on a detour for a really long time. My dirt road, my beaten path, I've been making it my own and now, I just wish something would go right on the pavement." ************************************************ Chapter 38 - Roxanne doesn't realize Current mood: giddy Roxanne reluctantly listened to Tren. Viaje hadn't been around in some time but that was okay. Her hope for him was diminished to being just an attractive eye candy. Tren continued on. He'd found his castle and built it and he was proudly showing it to everyone and Roxanne envied him. She wished she could show off her castle like that. He even let everyone inside and she was invited. But from him complaining about his little shack for so long, she barely stayed, at the risk of his complaints of the wrong kind of tile or his walls being the wrong texture. Roxanne was en route to her own castle and she saw Pascado. They both stopped for they wished to talk. For so long, Pascado had barely mentioned his old flame but tonight was the night to do something. His ranting brought Roxanne to the realizations that he had never seen. But when she made said realizations apparent to Pascado, he refused to do a thing, so Roxanne deemed it all pointless. But Roxanne readied her castle, herself, the living room, for Neo would be visiting Visarra soon. She always looked forward to her visits and this one would be as the others - sad, but always fun. ************************************************ 8:14 PM - Chapter 39 - Introducing Noah Current mood: okay Roxanne enjoyed her time with Neo and soon, she left for her own land and left Visarra. Roxanne enjoyed every day she got to see Neo and the garden was a fairly long visit that day. Roxanne hadn't been able to talk to Melech in a long time but tonight, she finally saw him at the garden. She invited him in, saying nothing, and silently invited their friend, Arano. Arano had long been friends with Melech and one could say they were almost as close as Melech and Roxanne. But Roxanne and Melech were close in a way that Arano would never be close to either of them. This was good for both Arano and Melech. Arano, Melech, and Roxanne enjoyed their time together, laughing, talking, and just having fun in the living room, snowball fights in the snow, though the summer would near soon. There was a feeling that Roxanne felt as they laughed and Melech's arm found a way around her shoulders and it wasn't what she'd felt before. She once had this love for him as if she could spend her life loving him. Now, that same love, while it would also last forever, was a love unromantic but not friendly. She felt like this was her protector and she would always be able to count on him. She no longer needed him and that's what made her able to be around him. They didn't need each other and they could be independent from each other. But the thought of such a friendship (for lack of a better word) was unrealistic. Melech bid Roxanne farewell and both Arano and Melech left her castle. As a new feeling consumed her, a new visitor arrived. She'd seen him walk by her castle many a time. His name was Noah and his dark hair matched his eyes. He spoke with a rough tone but, with Roxanne, his gestures became more obvious, his voice purred slightly and Roxanne had long admired him. Noah approached Roxanne's door and she thought only one thing: will he try the bedroom first? ************************************************ 10:46 PM - Chapter 40 - Worried about Ojos (OJOS you know who you are. Please read) Current mood: restless Roxanne didn't intend for Noah to stay long and they made plans for a later meeting, in which Roxanne would have to come out of her castle to be. Roxanne sent Nia away and she returned, her mind full with all the ranting of the crow. Nia regaled her with the tales of sadness and Roxanne saw the heart on her desk. It's beats were slow and she feared the worst. Ojos and Roxanne had barely spoken lately and she wondered why he never came to the castle anymore. She'd usually try to find him in his home, but he hadn't been there. The crow cawed at the entrance and she feared it would attack if provoked. She left for her home. As she walked the pavement, she feared the shape of the heart on her desk and whether it still would beat. ************************************************ Chapter 41 - Just friends Current mood: accomplished Roxanne ran into Drahqul on the way home and she stopped to talk. They'd had a lot to talk about. "Hey," started Roxanne. "Hi," replied Drahqul. Roxanne didn't really want to bring anything up. But there was something she had to know. "Drahqul, I don't know if you're interested in me or just what I can do anymore." She was cautiously referring to the attempts he'd made to divulge intimate secrets between the two of them. “I don't know if you like me . Do you know how much that kills me?” "Yeah I do but there isn't really anything I can tell you if that makes sense." "No, you can only say 'tell me about your bedroom' yet, I haven't once heard - 'I'm really happy to know you' or 'you make me happy' or 'I like you back and I think you're beautiful'. I don't think you like me. I think you like the idea that you're otherwise wanted. And it hurts.” "I do like you," Drahqul replied. "If you like me, why aren't you with me?" "I think a lot has changed and you have all these other visitors to your castle constantly." "What do you expect me to do? Stop my life because it hurts that one good guy I've been with is gone? No, the reason I chase a bunch of people is because everyone runs away from me. And I figure, I don't know, maybe I'll catch someone and they'll stay. its nothing about other guys. its that now, I have this loneliness and what kills me here is I've changed; you never did," Roxanne said, tearfully. "You think I haven't changed." "You never change. And I changed. I grew up. You were already there and you don't trust me." Roxanne knew there was a history but she had hope. "I do trust you but not as much as I used to but I am somewhat getting my life on track and if I came back to Visarra to stay, it would ruin all of that. Don't you realize that? "Yes! Then don't come back. Be happy. Just don't let me stay here and think I could change anything." "You can change things." "Not with you." "But you will just have to see what happens and I don't mean putting your life on hold for me." "Then what do you mean." "I mean don't hope for everything to go back right now. Do you understand?" "Yes. I understand." Roxanne's sarcastic, irritated tone revealed less than that. Drahqul sighed. "Why do I have the feeling you are somewhat telling me what I want to hear?" "Because I am. I said my part. And it changes nothing. And it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Maybe you want to hear that I understand." "You never know; you can probably find someone better then me." Roxanne didn't know if he could fathom how right he was. "I know. I can. And you can do better than me." "But?" Drahqul almost sounded hopeful. "No but. You can do better than me. I know you don't trust me. And I've changed more than growing up. And I don't know if I'm the same me you once fell for but I wanted to see if it would work." "I never said that I didn't trust you completely. I just don't want another Swifty. "It won't. If you don't trust me there, I can't change that. The girl you knew wanted her love in the bedroom. She didn't know how to own her life. The one that's here now - She likes her garden and love. She doesn't need her bedroom but she'll pretend it matters if that's what she thinks will be wanted. And she owns her life." "Don't pretend to need your bedroom if it is what you think is wanted. Be yourself. That is all I ever told you to be and all I ever wanted you to." "The only me I know is someone you would never want to be friends with. The gardener. The good girl. The one that believes the garden will survive everything. The one that works for what she wants. The one that tries to be beautiful just to hear those words. The one that wants to be the shoulder and ear, not mouth. The one that misses a tangible love. That's me now. And that's all I got to." Drahqul was puzzled. "And why do you think that I wouldn't want to know a person like that? How do you know that I didn't see those things in you before? I mean you always listened when I was pissed off.” "Because I didn't want any of it before. I wanted a guy like that, not to be like that." She smiled, knowing there was nothing else to say, but… "So do you think you will be able to be just friends with me?" Drahqul spurred the question. Roxanne contemplated. "I don't know. Do you think you'll like being friends with me. I mean, I'm kind of a hassle.” "I will like being friends with you but you might have to listen to me rant every now and then. "Well, you might have to listen to me whine." "Deal then?" Drahqul held out his hand. Roxanne was still wary. She wondered what would happen. "Anything else we should warn before we shake on this?" "Not that I can think of." Drahqul and Roxanne departed. Roxanne returned back to her castle, padlocking the door for comfort. ************************************************ Chapter 42 - Using Roxanne Current mood: pissed off Roxanne stomped in the door and slammed it shut. She'd just had the worst outing she'd had in a long time. She didn't think Cadera and Ojos could be such a bad time. She'd gone under false pretense. They'd gone with another friend to the performance hall and it was terrible bands ruining great music. She could've dealt with that. Except they were to entertain themselves at a prepaid cinema, not the performance hall. Ojos and his friends had invited her. They'd told her about the cinema and once ready, Cadera joined them. Happy that Roxanne could go, Cadera revealed she wouldn't have been able to go without her. Ahh, thought Roxanne. The truth is out. Roxanne quickly realized, by the advances between Ojos and Cadera, she wasn't there for the music and she hadn't come to see a movie. The movie was next to her, on a swing in the performance hall, and she had that to view. She was to play babysitter, an occupation that she hadn't volunteered for and wasn't being paid for. She regretted her decision to join them. She wanted to go home but she was quiet for a while. She told them she didn't care but the truth was, she would rather be home in her stone castle. But now, she was home. And all she wanted was to lock the door. Ojos and Cadera had used her. She wouldn't let them in the castle for a while. ************************************************ 12:45 AM - Chapter 43 - Current mood: frustrated Roxanne put her hands over her ears. A deafening scream cut through the thickest of walls. The shouts were now turned, accusing her, punishing and condemning her for the thoughts and feelings she'd had. She knew Ojos always had a way to make himself heard. She hid in the middle of her castle, where the sound would be faintest, but it grew louder. The screams told her she wasn't used. But the doors wouldn't let in the screamer. The walls sure did. the screamer was finally comfortable with himself, Cadera as the reason. And Roxanne felt more accused than ever. She wanted to scream back. But her walls held back the darkest reasons she was hurt. The blood wasn't even in the snow anymore, but her very own marble tile. Every scream made her crawl to a new corner. She tried to scream but she couldn't. She wanted the screamer to be someone she didn't mind yelling back at, but that was impossible. She wanted to be harsh, but she could only be firm. Roxanne couldn't believe the person she was being. This hateful, screaming blamer. And she saw Nia fly away, and she knew her destination. ************************************************ 4:32 PM - Chapter 44 - The chandelier is breaking Current mood: scared Roxanne stood in her corner. It had rained for a couple hours. She needed to go to the garden. She approached the first flower she'd planted: a white freesia. She brushed her fingertips over the petals, remembering why she first planted it. The delicate state of the flower scared Roxanne. She called out, "Help me! Keep me from going completely insane! I feel like I've lost control!" As the seconds pass, she becomes more and more consumed with these feelings. Her castle walls were being recently reconstructed to become thicker and stronger. As the walls increased their strength, the frail chandelier (once an object only she knew) shook and Roxanne turned., hoping it wouldn't fall. A single jewel from this chandelier dropped. Roxanne ran inside to retrieve the jewel. The smallest piece of this work of art was ready to break. She couldn't let that happen. She curled herself in a ball on her marble floor, clutching the jewel. She could smell the rain coming; she stopped breathing from her nose. She heard thunder; she covered her ears, leaving the jewel on her leg. She saw the lightening and shut her eyes. Roxanne tasted blood on her tongue. She could ignore nothing. The rain fell. ************************************************ Chapter 45 - Melech and Roxanne, together Current mood: optimistic Roxanne was ready to find something to depend on and the rain was a mere mist now, which it would always be. She was only said she was losing the chandelier but not yet realizing how she would gain more to lose it. But the piece broken was still beside her when she heard a soft voice whisper. "Hey there. Can I sit down do, or is the floor yours only?" Roxanne looked up, smiling at Melech. He helped her up, jewel in hand. And they went to the couch to converse. The situations were delicate and she didn't want to break. Melech had come, not to break bad news, but to hopefully bring some good into Roxanne's life. He wished to keep her and she didn't understand. She'd already given him every key she'd had and he longed to stay longer, an indefinite period of time. They went outside, in the snow, and not a blood drop followed her. He embraced her shivering body and she offered her chandelier to him. He did not take it. He instead took her face in his cold hands, and asked her to be his, to share time and pass by all the things they both knew. Arana had seen this coming. He had told them both it was coming, yet neither had chosen to listen. Rather, neither had admitted they were listening. Roxanne accepted Melech's proposal as the snow fell on their embrace. She was no longer alone in her castle, for Melech had saved her. The stonewalls became snow again. The chandelier was now under Melech's name. And there were no locks for him to unlock. Roxanne finally was happy.

Scene One: On an airplane

Zoom in on a brunette, late 20s, woman in a deep red business suit, shaking her leg, watching out of the window.

GWEN (V.O.): On my way to my 10-year reunion. My, how time flies. I got everything I’ve wanted since then.

Camera view widens, showing a man, open blue button up shirt, top two buttons, with black slacks, patting GWEN’s hand. GWEN looks and smiles.

GWEN (V.O.): Yeah, got married for one thing. His name is Derrick Potter; he’s going to be 32 soon and we’ve been married for six years. We’ve dated on and off since I turned 18 but he waited until I was done with college at NYU.

Flashback to DERRICK proposing to GWEN at college graduation

GWEN (V.O.): I never thought he would do it. No kids yet. This is an issue we argue about constantly.

Flashback to GWEN and DERRICK in a living room, fighting.

GWEN (shouting): It’s my body, okay? If I don’t want a head coming out of it, I don’t have to!

DERRICK (shouting): One day, you’ll have to!

GWEN (shouting): Says who?

DERRICK (smirking and calm): Says me as soon as I catch you.

DERRICK chases GWEN into a room down the hallway and we hear a door shut.

GWEN: But we always make up.

Back to plane

GWEN (V.O): Sometimes I think about the guy way before him, my first love, my high school sweetie…

Camera view going over guy. At name, shows face.

GWEN (V.O.): Trent Smith.

Camera shows TRENT’s face, smiling. He’s brunette, brown eyes, half-smirk, about 5’9” or 5’10”.

GWEN (V.O.): He and I had something really special going. He was sweet…

Shows GWEN and TRENT. TRENT kisses GWEN’s hand.

GWEN (V.O.): …funny…

Shows TRENT at a table with GWEN, laughing.

GWEN (V.O.): …and completely in love with me.

Shows TRENT with his arms around GWEN’s waist. GWEN’s arms are around TRENT’s neck and they kiss passionately.

GWEN (V.O.): We were very close.

Shows TRENT and GWEN making out fiercely.

GWEN (V.O.): I was such a bitch to that boy. He was just too close so…

Shows GWEN making out with a lanky, blonde guys, average-looking, about 5’8”, in a hallway

GWEN (V.O.): I cheated on him…

Split-screen two ways, making out with a blonde guy near a door

GWEN (V.O.): …again…

Split-screen three ways, making out with LANKY GUY on a couch.

GWEN (V.O.): …and again…

Split-screen four ways, making out with a brunette, chiseled guy against a pole.

GWEN (V.O.): …and again.

Screen pops up in the middle of GWEN with LANKY GUY making out in an alley.

GWEN (V.O.): I told him and he forgave me somehow…

Shows TRENT hugging GWEN

GWEN (V.O.): …after he got the anger out.

Shows TRENT yelling and punching walls, one or twice cringing in pain.

GWEN (V.O.): For some reason, after that, things started getting heavy…

Camera shows TRENT push GWEN up against a wall. Only shows from the neck up. TRENT is kissing GWEN’s neck, going down and unbuttoning her shirt. GWEN pulls TRENT back up to her lips.

Cut to: airplane

GWEN (aloud): Damn, that was fun!

DERRICK: What are you talking about?

GWEN (stuttering): Um, just…thinking about us.

DERRICK: About last night?

GWEN (uncomfortably): Yeah, sweetie. About last night. (V.O.) Anyway…

Flashback of TRENT and GWEN crying and hugging.

GWEN (V.O.): We broke up. We didn’t want to but it was getting to the point when we couldn’t turn back.

Split-screen of GWEN and TRENT on separate phone.

GWEN (V.O.): We’d always stay in touch…for a little while.

Shows GWEN with a blonde girl, 5’7”, her arm hold GWEN while GWEN cries.

GWEN (V.O.): My best friend, Madison. Well, one of the few. She was always there for me, especially thorough everything with Trent.

Shows GWEN crying.

GWEN: I love him so much! He’s my life. God, I hate him. I wish he was here. No, I wish he would die.

MADISON: Calm down, Gwennie.

GWEN (V.O.): Let’s just say I was very emotional.

Shows a younger GWEN at a booth in Denny‘s, alone. She looks up and sees a younger DERRICK, dark hair in a ponytail, goatee. Oversize shirt.

GWEN (V.O.): Then I met Derrick. I was totally love-struck.

GWEN smiles at DERRICK

GWEN (nervously): Hi, my name’s Gwen.

DERRICK: Derrick.

GWEN smiles and holds out her hand shake. DERRICK takes her hand and kisses it.

DERRICK: I feel like I’ve met you.

GWEN: Only just now.

DERRICK (chuckles): Well, it’s a good thing I did. I thought Heaven was up farther.

GWEN blushes

GWEN (V.O.): He was so slick. He knew he had me the minute I learned his name.

Cut to GWEN and DERRICK; DERRICK is sitting behind GWEN (who is also sitting). DERRICK’s arms are around GWEN. GWEN is giggling and smiling as DERRICK kisses and flirts with her.

GWEN (V.O.): For a long time, that’s how it was. We saw each other most of the week and we weren’t even officially together! I asked him to be mine and he was.

Cut to GWEN in her apartment, on her couch, in front of the television. She has a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. We don’t see the television but we hear a woman on the television shouting, “Don’t go! I love you!”

GWEN (V.O.): We broke up after a few months. One day, no one called, I didn’t see him or anyone else. Until I was drinking on my nineteenth birthday…

Cut to GWEN in her apartment, stumbling. She has a bottle of Zinfandel and is giggling. GUY, about 23, a few inches taller than GWEN, stands up from the couch and picks her up in his arms. She laughs and jumps out of his arms.

GWEN (slurring): I don’t know why I bothered. I mean, I guess I loved him. But he lied. Guy, you’re a guy, right? (Giggles) Of course, you’re a guy. You’re Guy. (Sighs loudly, leaning on GUY’s shoulder) I love ya, Guy! Now tell me. Why do men lie? Hmm, can you tell me that?

GUY: Cutie, I think you’ve had enough to drink.

GWEN (slightly upset): Tell me! You and Derrick are best friends. You’re the only one I can trust. He’s mean.

She slumps down on the couch and GUY sits next to her. He puts his arms around her shoulders.

GUY: You know he still loves you, right? He hasn’t stopped. He always talks about you.

GWEN (frustrated): Then why hasn’t he called for so long? Why can’t he just tell me himself?

DERRICK (O.C): I couldn’t…

GWEN and GUY look up. GUY smiles. Camera shows DERRICK at the doorway.

DERRICK: I got scared.

Shows GUY. He pats GWEN’s thigh.

GUY: I’m gonna crash in the extra bedroom. (Kisses GWEN’s forehead) Be good.

GUY leaves into extra bedroom. GWEN looks expectantly at DERRICK.

GWEN: Well?

DERRICK: I know you have some questions for me.

GWEN: You’re damn right!

DERRICK sits down beside GWEN. He looks at her.

GWEN: Why did you do that? Just stopped calling and coming over? Is there someone else? Is it just not me?

DERRICK: Yeah, a past someone else. I got confused.

GWEN: “Confused?” What, did you turn gay or something? (Giggles) “Guy” and “gay” sound alike. (Giggles again) Guy is gay!

GUY (pokes head out of door): Hey!

GWEN: Sorry! (Look at DERRICK) Now answer.

DERRICK: I ran into my ex-girlfriend, Diana. I felt something for her. I couldn’t tell you.

GWEN (matter-of-factly): …because you’re a coward.

DERRICK (chuckles): Yes, I’m a coward. And sorry.

GWEN: Good, you should be!

DERRICK: I am.

They hug and DERRICK kisses her cheek.

GWEN (V.O.): So we made up…

Shows exterior shot of NYU.

GWEN (V.O.): …I went to college…

Shows shot of GWEN and DERRICK at an altar, getting married.

GWEN (V.O.): …and we got married.

Shows back on plane. DERRICK is asleep on GWEN’s shoulder.

GWEN (V.O.): But I never told him that I am still in love with Trent. And, in a few days, I’ll see him for the first time in ten years.

Scene Two: Hotel exterior of Summerfield Suites. Shows interior of one-bedroom suite. Suitcases are being set near the bedroom. GWEN’s phone rings. She answers it.

GWEN (on phone): Gwen Cagis. (Pause) Hey, Madison! How are you? (Pause) Um, almost there. Why did you call? (Pause) Lunch? Sure! (Pause) I always know what restaurant you mean. (Pause) Yeah, I know; no Derrick. Fair enough. No husbands. (Pause) Who’ll be there? (Long pause) The five of us? Better warn the wait staff. (Pause) (Laughs) Okay, I’ll see you then. (Short pause) Love you too. Bye.

GWEN closes phone.

DERRICK: Who was that?

GWEN: It was Madison. I’m going to lunch with her and some of my old friends today.

DERRICK: When?

GWEN: Whenever she gets here.

DERRICK: Then we better make it fast.

GWEN gives DERRICK a suspicious look. DERRICK picks her up and carries her into the bedroom, leaving the door open. He puts her down and they start to kiss on the bed. There’s a knock on the door. GWEN smiles apologetically and slides off the end of the bed. As she’s walking toward the door, the person knocks again. She opens the door. It’s MADISON.

GWEN (enthusiastically): Hey!

MADISON (hugging GWEN): Hey, sweetie! I missed you!

GWEN: I missed you, too, Kit Kat!

They stop hugging. MADISON looks at GWEN with a look that can only be described as “Are you kidding me?”

GWEN (smiling): Sorry.

MADISON (peeking head in): Hi, Derrick.

DERRICK (unenthusiastically): Hi, Madison.

GWEN gives MADISON a signal to wait there. GWEN walks quickly over to DERRICK, who is still on the bed.

GWEN: Baby, I’ve got to go. It’s, um, (checks watch) one right now. I’ll probably be back around three or four. I love you.

DERRICK: I love you.

They kiss.

GWEN: I’ll be back later, sweetie.

DERRICK: I’ll miss you.

GWEN: You always do.

GWEN goes back to the door. MADISON is just inside the doorway. GWEN grabs her purse and slides it on her right shoulder.

GWEN (shouting): Bye, sweetie!

MADISON grabs GWEN’s left arm and drags her out the door, shutting the door on the way out. Back in DERRICK and GWEN‘s suite. DERRICK sits down on the bed beside the hotel phone. He picks it up, dials, then holds it up to his ear.

DERRICK: Yes, my name is Derrick Potter. I want to make reservations at for 7:00pm tonight. Can you give me a booth?

Scene 3: Hallway. GWEN and MADISON are walking down the hallway toward and elevator.

MADISON: How long have you been married?

GWEN: Six years.

MADISON: Hmm…

GWEN: What?

MADISON: There’s something about him. I don’t know. I just don’t trust him.

GWEN: You don’t have to. You aren’t married to him.

MADISON: I know. I’m married happily.

GWEN (defensively): What’s that supposed to mean?

MADISON: I spoke to Trent.

GWEN (excitedly): Really? What about?

They get to the elevator and MADISON pushes the down button.

MADISON (accusingly): See, that’s what I mean. We talk about Derrick and you get defensive or you really don’t care. When we talk about (in a passionate tone) Mr. Trent Smith, you freak out and can’t focus and you have to know what happened.

GWEN: That’s not true.

MADISON: You know it is.

The elevator door opens and they walk inside.

GWEN: Maybe.

The elevator door shuts.

Scene Four: Shot of Exterior of Barley's Taproom & Pizzeria, then interior, at a table. Camera angle is center of table of five women. It rotates to show them.

MADISON: So, Gwennie, when are you going to ditch Derrick?

GWEN: I’m not going to “ditch” him.

Camera to BOBBI. Brunette. Short hair. Big eyes. Digitized typing, pause on BOBBI, types “Bobbi Wyatt.”

GWEN (V.O.): She’s rather quiet. She’s very much of a one-track mind kind of girl. She tends to focus mostly on the guys she dates. Then again, she’d dated this guy for almost 3 years and they got married last year. She looked so beautiful in that wedding dress. Since then, he’s just about the best thing in her life.

BOBBI: My husband and I are doing just great.

ALL: We know, Bobbi!

Camera to KELLY, 5’2”, hair in a spiky bun, thigh- length halter tube dress over tight jeans. Stiletto boots. Digitized typing, pause on KELLY, types “Kelly Mavel.”

GWEN (V.O.): Another best friend of mine, Kelly. She and I kept in touch for a while. Whenever Derrick and I fight, I stay at her house. She’s unmarried. She divorced a few years ago and none of us really know why. They were married only a year.

KELLY: What happened here? This is the first time in ten years we’re all together. Why are we talking about this? Let’s get something straight - we’re not here to talk about those obvious mistakes (eyes GWEN) or less. The husbands aren’t here and look at him (points out the attractive bartender and she waves at him). I’m pretty, right?

GWEN: Of course, sweetie. You’re gorgeous.

KELLY struts over to the bartender, attractive man, dark hair, white shirt with the top two buttons open. No audible conversation but soon, they laugh.

BOBBI: She’s a lot more confident nowadays. How’d that happen?

Camera to LIZ. Brunette. Bob-style hair. 30- ish. Glasses. All black clothing. Digitized typing, paused on LIZ, types “Liz Peters.”

GWEN (V.O.) She’s been the one with all the advice from me. She’s the sarcastic one of my friends. There is never a time without a laugh because she hates to see any of us down. So, she keeps us up.

LIZ: Maybe she realized the guy she was married to can follow his head so she can follow hers. Really, he doesn’t seem worth her time.

GWEN: She married him for a reason, didn’t she?

LIZ: Not that we know it.

A cell phone rings to the tune of “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts. GWEN picks up her purse and flips open her phone.

GWEN (on phone): Gwen Cagis. (Pause, then cautiously) Who is this? (Pause, then happily) Oh, hey, how are you? (Aside, to group) Y’all, I’ll be right back.

BOBBI: Who is it?

GWEN (covering phone): It’s Trent Smith! I have to take this call. (Into phone) Sorry about that.

GWEN walks outside. She can be seen through the glass window.

LIZ: My God, they’re not even together. Madison, Bobbi, have you guys heard from them?

BOBBI shakes her head side to side. MADISON looks down.

BOBBI (suspiciously): Madison?

MADISON (shyly): Maybe I’ve talked to him.

LIZ: Honey, what did he say?

MADISON: Umm…

LIZ (firmly): Madison.

MADISON: He might’ve asked when she’d be in town and when she’d be away from Derrick.

BOBBI: Madison!

MADISON: And maybe, just maybe, he mentioned some things about loving her still and getting Derrick out of the picture.

LIZ (excitedly): Oh, thank God. Did he say how?

GWEN enters.

GWEN (on phone): Okay, dinner it is. I’ll see you then. (Closes phone. Then, to group) Well, Trent and I are going out to eat tonight.

The girls exchange knowing looks.

MADISON: But, Gwen, he --

GWEN (interrupting): I know he’s my ex but he was always a really great friend. And I haven’t seen him in six years.

LIZ: No, Gwen, --

GWEN (interrupting, again): Oh, yeah! I have plans for dinner with Derrick tonight. Well, he’ll understand, right?

Camera pans to KELLY, returning from the bar with a tray of 5 martini’s and strawberry margaritas.

KELLY: Look what I got, compliments of Bartender Adam. (Looks over her shoulder and smiles. Camera pans to Adam; he smiles and waves.) We’re going to go out tonight. He said he’d pick me up at our hotel.

GWEN: Honey, that’s great!

KELLY (casually, taking a sip of her martini): And I told him I had a wonderful friend named Gwen who could accompany me with her husband to dinner.

GWEN: What?!

KELLY: Well, we agreed that we’d be more comfortable and - -

GWEN (interrupting): We can’t. Ask Fiona. She’s in town with Mom and Dad this month. She’s got vacation time from work right now.

KELLY: Where does she work now?

GWEN: Actually, she’s been working at Arista Records for about a year now. She loves it. But she’s single again. Evan or Devin or someone like that. Both of you can bring someone. Set her up. She loves that.

KELLY: What aren’t you telling me?

BOBBI, MADISON, LIZ: Trent!

KELLY: What? What does Trent have to do with anything?

LIZ: Gwen feels like recapturing her youth tonight so she’s having dinner with him.

MADISON: She’s ditching us…again.

BOBBI: And for Trent, again.

KELLY: Oh, really? Well, fine, go ahead and have your fun with Mr. Smith tonight. (Takes out her cell phone and calls FIONA. On phone) Hey, Fi, it’s Kelly. Listen, the bartender down at the restaurant at lunch today. We’re going out tonight and, if you’re game, I’ll get him to bring a friend. Call me back later. Bye. (Shuts phone)

A beat.

LIZ: Okay, are we going to order.

BOBBI: Haven’t we?

LIZ: Unless you can live purely off martini’s and margaritas, we need food. (Drinks the rest of her martini and takes the olive from her glass) But while we’re ordering (eats the olive), let’s get some more drinks.

A waiter comes to the table.

WAITER: Hello, ladies, what can I get you?

BOBBI, LIZ, KELLY, GWEN, and MADISON are all talking at once, pointing at the menus. They all stop at the same time.

ALL: Did you get that down?

The waiter looks at his notepad with a look of surprise.

WAITER: Um, yeah.

The waiter smiles and walks back to the kitchen.

LIZ: Oh, he’s my favorite.

Scene Five: DERRICK and GWEN‘s suite. DERRICK is laying on the bed, watching television. Door opens and shuts. DERRICK turns off the television and sits up.

DERRICK (shouting): Hey honey!

GWEN enters the bedroom

GWEN: Hey, sweetheart!

GWEN walks over to the bed and kisses DERRICK on the lips. DERRICK pulls her onto the bed and he kisses her neck.

GWEN (squealing): Baby! What on earth are you doing?

DERRICK: I missed you!

GWEN: This bad?

DERRICK: Well, yeah!

DERRICK continues to nibble and kiss her neck with a hand on her hip. GWEN pushes him back.

GWEN: Were you watching porn again?

DERRICK (guilt-like): No…

GWEN (firmly): Derrick?

DERRICK: Well, we haven’t had sex for almost a month now. How the hell else am I supposed to keep sane?

GWEN: First of all, it was two nights ago. Secondly, if you wanted sanity (straddles DERRICK), you shouldn’t have married me.

GWEN and DERRICK begin to make out. The camera zooms out the window. Cut to later. GWEN and DERRICK are curled together, watching television, half-clothed. The clock reads 5:30pm. GWEN gets up. She is in a bra and underwear set.

DERRICK: Honey, where are you going?

GWEN: To take a shower. I got a call from…an old friend today and we agreed to have dinner together tonight.

DERRICK: But I made reservations tonight. Can you friend just join us?

GWEN: Baby, I’m so sorry but I can’t not go. Can we go another time?

DERRICK: Okay, sweetie. I love you. Don’t drink too much.

GWEN: I’m not going barhopping, baby.

GWEN exits to the bathroom. DERRICK waits to hear the water start. He picks up the phone dials.

DERRICK (on phone): Hey baby. How are you? (Pause) Listen, meet me in the lobby of our hotel. We’re going out tonight. (Pause) Oh, Gwen is going out to eat with some friend. (Pause) Yeah, wear the red one.

Scene Six: Guytano‘s. The camera cuts to a table where GWEN and TRENT are sitting.

TRENT: I’m really happy you decided to come.

GWEN: I’m surprised you even called me. How long has it been since the last time we spoke?

TRENT: I think about when you got married. Maybe before. You just decided you were better off.

GWEN: I wish I could get those years back. I miss being your friend. (Softly giggles) Remember how awkward we were when we finally got together.

TRENT: Of course, I do. (Mocking himself, shaking his head back and forth) “So, will you go out with me?” I was such a dork back then.

GWEN: You still are.

TRENT: So are you. I thought you’d say no for sure.

GWEN: Well, I didn’t.

TRENT: That made me so happy.

GWEN and TRENT’s eyes lock. A beat. They both shake their heads to break the daze.

GWEN: Well, let’s order.

TRENT: You must not be used to the fine dining, right? Last thing I remember, Italian restaurants don’t sell cheeseburgers with ketchup and mayonnaise.

GWEN (jokingly): Ha ha, very funny.

TRENT: I thought so.

GWEN: What else do you remember?

Cut to later. GWEN and TRENT laughing at the table, music playing over their voices. The music fades out as the voices fade in.

TRENT: Do you still have those tapes?

GWEN: Do I --? Of course, I do. No one does those impressions better.

TRENT (mocking the tapes excitedly): “By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause, how ya feelin’?

GWEN laughs and half-heartedly applauds.

GWEN: I can’t believe you remember that.

TRENT: I remember more.

GWEN: Like what?

TRENT: The tapes. Our friends. Us.

GWEN: Us?

TRENT: Never mind; let’s enjoy dinner.

GWEN lifts her glass of champagne.

GWEN (toasting): To old memories.

TRENT (warmly): To old memories.

They clink their glasses together and each takes a sip. TRENT spins a fork in his spaghetti. GWEN picks up her fork, looks up at TRENT, as if thinking to herself. She shakes her head and begins to eat her pasta. Cut to later. Empty plates. The waiter brings the check to the table.

GWEN: (to the waiter) Thank you. (To TRENT) Here, I’ll get the check.

GWEN reaches for the check and TRENT snatches it away.

TRENT: Just what do you think you’re doing?

GWEN (sarcastically): I’m sinking the Titanic. What does it look like I’m doing?

TRENT: Thanks for your offer, really, but I’m going to sink this ship. My treat. Though a lot of it was your drinks.

GWEN (jokingly): Shut up! You had just as many as I did.

TRENT: At least you’re legal now.

GWEN: Damn right! (Mocking) “Now what did we learn, Gwen?” “Alcohol is bad.” You cared, at least. No one else did. I was so afraid that would be the end of us.

TRENT: I wouldn’t be sitting at this table with you if it was. I’ll be right back.

TRENT takes the check and goes to pay. GWEN takes out her cell phone and a split screen slides over to show KELLY laughing at a club. Strobe lights in yellow, red, and blue. KELLY’s phone rings and she answers.

KELLY: (to ADAM) Hold on. (On phone) Hello?

GWEN: Hey, Kelly! How’s the date going?

KELLY: Great. Fiona’s having a great time with Adam’s friend, Jimmy. They’re on the dance floor. Adam and I are having some drinks.

GWEN: Well, listen. Trent just went to pay the check and, before I forget, we need to go for shopping therapy tomorrow. Call Madison for me. Eastland Mall and such at…11:00am.

KELLY: It went that badly?

GWEN: No, it went that well and it can only get better.

KELLY: Why is that a bad thing?

GWEN: That’s what you’ll find out on the shopping trip. But, hey, I gotta go. Love you.

KELLY: Love you, too.

GWEN: See you tomorrow.

As GWEN shuts her phone, screen goes back to normal. TRENT enters.

TRENT: Gwennie, are you ready to go?

GWEN (looks at watch and looks back up): It’s only 7:30.

TRENT: I’m not dropping you back at the hotel yet.

GWEN: Where are we going?

TRENT: Don’t you trust me?

GWEN: You know I do.

TRENT: Then just come with me.

Scene Seven: A football stadium at Vance High School. GWEN and TRENT are walking across the field. TRENT smiles at GWEN.

TRENT: Do you remember this?

GWEN: It’s the football field. What about it?

TRENT: This is the last time we really saw each other. Remember? You gave me a hug and we cried. You told me that you’d met some guy and you really loved him. You said you were going to be with him forever. That really hurt.

GWEN: I’m sorry.

TRENT: Do you remember, before then, the one Fourth of July we had? I told you I felt sparks flying between us when you were so intent at looking at the fireworks.

GWEN (smiling): Yes, I remember that.

TRENT (warmly): I miss that. (pulls GWEN close)

GWEN: I don’t think we should talk about this. (Moves away, then runs out of the stadium)

Scene Eight: (Aeropostale in Eastland Mall) MADISON, GWEN, and KELLY are walking in a clothing store, talking as they browse.

GWEN: And then I said, “I don’t think we should talk about this” and I left.

MADISON: Did you tell Derrick about any of this?

GWEN: Are you kidding? For all he knows, nothing happened.

KELLY: It didn’t, did it?

GWEN: Not physically. But something’s just the same as before. That scares me. I thought it was over back then.

MADISON: As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never been as happy as you are with him.

KELLY: I agree. He’s a great guy for you.

GWEN: But I married a great guy.

MADISON: That doesn’t mean you married the right one, sweetie.

KELLY: Don’t get us wrong; we love Derrick as much as the next guy but how can you do this to him?

GWEN: I’m not doing anything to him.

MADISON: Maybe that’s the problem.

MADISON, KELLY, and GWEN laugh.

GWEN: Seriously, I feel something for Trent but maybe I just miss what never was.

MADISON: Maybe you miss what you know is still there.

GWEN: Okay, so what if I miss him? So what if I love him? Who are you two to say anything is wrong with that? (Sighs) Never mind, I know y’all are just looking out for me.

MADISON: Sweetie, we never said it was wrong to miss him.

KELLY: We never mentioned loving him either.

GWEN (uncomfortably): Oh.

A beat.

GWEN: I’ll be right back. I’m going to EZ Records.

Cut to GWEN walking down mall hallway. TRENT sneaks up behind her and pokes her in the sides.

TRENT (poking GWEN): Boo!

GWEN turns around.

GWEN (happily): Hey! (Hugs TRENT)

TRENT: Hey there!

GWEN: Trent, I feel really bad about ditching you last night. How about dinner tonight to make up for it? On me.

TRENT: Now, you know that’s never worked, right? On the only and only date we had, I figured out a way to have the money, no matter what. But I guess you can try to steal the check first.

GWEN: So how’s 7:00?

TRENT: What does your little husband this of all these rendezvous’?

GWEN: Let’s just say, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

Cut to (outdoor café). GWEN and DERRICK are eating lunch.

GWEN: I’m going out to dinner tonight.

DERRICK (sighing): Okay. Will you have your cell on?

GWEN: Probably not.

DERRICK: Why not? Who are you eating with?

GWEN: Um, my sister. She and I made plans tonight. She has to show me what she’s…done with her hair.

DERRICK: You have to go out to eat for that?

GWEN: You don’t really know as much as you think you know about women, do you?

DERRICK: Apparently. Well, have fun. (Checks watch) We should get back to the hotel.

They stand up and grab their shopping bags and leave.

Scene Nine: Guytano‘s. Booth. TRENT and GWEN are eating salads as they talk. TRENT puts down his fork and looks at GWEN. GWEN looks up.

GWEN: What?

TRENT: Sorry about last night.

GWEN: What of it?

TRENT: It seemed like I made you uncomfortable.

GWEN (looking down): A little.

TRENT: Can I ask why?

GWEN (looking up): It doesn’t mean I’ll answer.

TRENT picks up his fork.

GWEN: I’m sorry for leaving you last night.

TRENT: That makes two of us.

A beat.

TRENT (breaking moment): Okay, this is supposed to be fun, isn’t it? Why are we at (restaurant) just being completely miserable? (Looks around) Will you dance with me?

GWEN (surprised): What?

TRENT stands and walks around to GWEN’s side and holds out his hand.

TRENT: Dance with me. For old times’ sake.

GWEN (smiling): Okay.

Cut to TRENT and GWEN dancing to a fast-paced song. It ends. They clap. A slow song begins. GWEN begins to leave. TRENT takes her hand.

TRENT: Please?

GWEN turns back around. She puts her arms behind TRENT’s neck. TRENT’s hands are on her lower back. He takes one hand and slides GWEN’s hand into his, pulling her closer. They are cheek-to-cheek.

TRENT: Do you ever miss me?

GWEN: I’m married.

TRENT: That’s not what I asked. Do you ever miss me?

GWEN: (firmly) No. (Sighs heavily) Yes. Do you ever miss me?

TRENT: All the time. Why are you with Derrick?

GWEN: I love him. He loves me. He’s --

TRENT (interrupting): Is he in love with you? Are you in love with him?

GWEN: I said we love each other.

TRENT (chuckling): That’s not what I asked. Are the two of you in love?

GWEN: I’m not sure anymore.

TRENT: There isn’t “anymore.” There’s “you always are” or “you never were.”

GWEN: I think it’s closer than the “never were.”

TRENT: Then what’s the point?

GWEN: He’s one of the only people I know that is still in love with me. Or at least pretends to be.

TRENT: I’m still in love with you.

GWEN looks up and pulls away.

GWEN: What?

TRENT: I’m still in love with you.

GWEN: But we haven’t been together since high school.

TRENT: And in two days, we’re going to be there again.

GWEN: I have to go.

GWEN grabs her purse and runs out the door. TRENT chases after her. She tries to flag down a taxi. One passes by.

TRENT (shouting): Gwen!

TRENT catches up.

GWEN: What did you think would happen? That I’d stay?

TRENT: No, but I thought you’d quit running away.

GWEN: Is that what you think I’m doing? (tries to flag another taxi and fails.)

TRENT: Yes, it is.

GWEN: Why the hell would I run?

TRENT: Because you’re afraid. You’re afraid to really feel something. You’re afraid, if you let yourself really be in love, it’ll all be gone.

GWEN (shouting): It will be all gone! Don’t you see that?

TRENT: Why do you think that?

GWEN tries to flag another taxi and one stops.

GWEN: You left, didn’t you?

Both are quiet. GWEN turns to get in the cab.

TRENT: Gwen…

GWEN turns around.

GWEN: Look, Trent, let’s not do this.

GWEN opens the car door and gets in. The door closes. The taxi drives off. TRENT sits down on the curb. He buried his head in his hands then runs them through his hair. A waiter comes out.

WAITER: You still need to pay.

TRENT: I still need to do a lot of things.

Fade out.

Scene Ten: The next morning in DERRICK and GWEN‘s suite. GWEN is sleeping in the hotel bed with DERRICK’s arms around her. When she wakes, he eyes open like she was awake the whole time. She slides out of bed slowly and as quietly as possible. She puts on a red, silk robe and walks to the bathroom. She comes back out, wiping the mascara off her cheeks. She slumps down in a plush chair beside the mini-bar. She takes out a mini bottle of vodka. She drinks it all. She looks out the window and sighs. She looks down, then at the empty mini-bottle. The camera stays on the chair as she gets up and walks away. The camera pans to the TV, off, with a note that says “I’ll be back later. There’s some things I need to take care of. I love you. Meet me tonight at (restaurant) at 7:00pm. We have reservations. I love you. Gwennie.”

Scene Eleven: GWEN is walking down Tryon Street looking for something. She looks across the street to TRENT’s hotel, Embassy Suites. She looks both ways and jogs over. She walks in the door and looks behind her.

Scene Twelve: Inside the lobby of Embassy Suites. GWEN looks around and sees an elevator. She goes and presses the number 4. When she gets to the fourth floor, the door opens and TRENT is standing there. She looks as him, walks out, and hugs him tightly.

GWEN (while hugging): Can we please talk?

TRENT: Of course, Gwennie.

GWEN lets go and TRENT leads to his suite. TRENT walks to the door and stops.

GWEN: What’s the matter?

TRENT looks at GWEN. He shakes his head.

TRENT: It’s nothing.

They enter.

TRENT: Where do you want to sit?

GWEN: Um, can we sit on the couch?

TRENT: Okay.

They sit on the couch. Both are quiet for about 10 seconds.

TRENT (playfully): Well, that was a great conversation.

GWEN laughs nervously.

GWEN: Okay, I have to tell you the truth. And I have to admit something. You’re right. About everything. About why I run away. About --

TRENT (interrupting): No, it was wrong of me to say that. I’m sorry.

GWEN: Don’t be sorry. You were right. I run away from you because I’m afraid of the reality. I am afraid to love and lose you again. It almost killed me before. I could barely look at you, knowing you were loving and touching and wanting another girl after me. I wanted to be the best thing you ever had. I never wanted to love someone else but somehow I did.

TRENT: Do you have to say that?

GWEN: It’s important that it’s said. He seemed to be everything you were to me. He was sweet, funny, and seems to be in love with me.

TRENT: Gwen --

GWEN: Let me finish. Here’s the thing. He may be in love with me and he is my husband but he doesn’t mean near as much as you do. Trent, you are the one I think of when I have a bad dream and need to be brave to go back to sleep or I can’t get to sleep in the first place to have wonderful dreams. You’re the guy I think of when people ask me to talk about anything. You’re the guy who always will call me beautiful even when it’s the end of the day and I’m wiping off my makeup and my mascara is all over my cheeks. You’re the only guy I have never doubted the love from. You are the guy I should be with. But I have to do something first.

TRENT: Okay.

GWEN: Do you remember at graduation?

TRENT: Of course I remember. We were standing in the field after the ceremony.

GWEN: We were overly excited.

TRENT: I kissed you.

GWEN: It was right after Derrick and I had broken up.

TRENT: You didn’t kiss back.

GWEN: Can I kiss you back now?

TRENT moves closer. He takes one of GWEN’s hands and kisses it. He puts his fingertips of his other hand on the bottom of her chin.

TRENT: You better.

They kiss for about 1 minute. Slowly, TRENT moves back.

GWEN: I’ve been waiting ten years to do that.

TRENT (smiling): For that kiss?

GWEN nods.

TRENT: I can do better.

GWEN (teasingly): Oh really?

TRENT puts his hand behind her neck and pulls her close and they kiss. He starts to kiss her ears.

GWEN: Not the ears. Come on. (Looks at her watch and stands up quickley)

TRENT: What’s the matter?

GWEN: Do you want this as much as I do?

TRENT: And more.

GWEN: Do you love me?

TRENT: What kind of question is that? Of course, I love you.

GWEN: Don’t be like that. Don’t act like I’m stupid not to know. Are you in love with me?

TRENT: More than anything.

GWEN: Then I can’t be with you.

TRENT: That doesn’t make sense.

GWEN: You’re wrong. It makes perfect sense. I can’t have me be the most important thing in your life. I can’t let you love me like that.

TRENT: But Gwen, I thought you wanted this.

GWEN: Not like this.

TRENT: Is it Derrick?

GWEN: Part of it.

TRENT: Don’t do this to yourself.

GWEN: Do what?

TRENT: Derrick isn’t who you think he is. He’s going to hurt you. He’ll lie and pretend to love you.

GWEN: Shut up.

TRENT: Be with me. I’ll never do that to you. He’s an asshole, Gwen. He’s going to hurt you.

GWEN: No more than you could.

GWEN leaves

Scene Thirteen: Interior of GWEN and DERRICK’s suite. Shows GWEN walking in and turning around to shut the door. Her cheeks are stained with mascara. She has a tissue in her hand and she sniffles once in a while. The bedroom door is closed. Rock music is playing. Camera is following GWEN.

GWEN: Derrick, are you in here? (Checks her watch) (To herself) It’s only 3:30.

DERRICK (O.C.): Gwennie, is that you?

GWEN: Yeah, baby, where are you?

Rustling in the bedroom

DERRICK(O.C.): Um, in the bedroom. I was just getting a nap. GWEN enters the bedroom. DERRICK is making the bed.

DERRICK: Babe, what’s the matter? Why are you back so early?

GWEN: I just had a run-in with my past. It caught up with me.

DERRICK (pulls GWEN to sit on the bed and hugs her): Oh, baby, do you want to talk about it?

GWEN: No, I mean, I would rather just deal with it my own way.

DERRICK: You’re right; you have to deal with it, not me.

GWEN: Thanks for that. I’ll let you know. It’s good to know you’re there for me.

DERRICK: You should sleep on it. We can go to dinner later. You should sleep on it.

GWEN: I can’t sleep.

DERRICK: Well, what’s the one thing that can make you do that?

GWEN: Do what?

DERRICK: Sleep. What’s the one thing that can make you sleep?

Flashback of TRENT and GWEN kissing in TRENT‘s hotel room. GWEN sits up.

GWEN (standing up): I have to go.

DERRICK: Wait, what’s the matter?

GWEN: You just made me realize something. Derrick, you’ve always been there for me. You know that, right?

DERRICK: Yeah, baby.

GWEN: When we get back to New York, I want a divorce. Please, it’s not you. Actually, that’s the problem. It’s not you. I’m in love with someone else and I feel bad for this because I know you care about me.

DIANA emerges from the bathroom, towel wrapped around her waist, drying her hair with a towel, looking away while initially talking. GWEN and DERRICK look at her.

DIANA: Hey, sugar, are we gonna eat early tonight with Gwen wanting to eat and…(sees GWEN and DERRICK looking at her) all that. (Nervously) Hey, Gwen.

GWEN (turning to Derrick): Who the hell is she?

DIANA: I’m Diana.

GWEN: Wait a God-damn second! (To DERRICK) This is Diana? As in your ex-girlfriend, Diana?

DIANA: Well, I wouldn’t say “ex.”

GWEN: Okay. Diana, let me talk to my husband. That would be great.

DERRICK: Baby --

GWEN: No, don’t you dare “baby” me, baby! (Scoffs) And I thought you would be hurt. That’s why nothing happened between me and Trent.

DERRICK: Trent? Oh, you get on my ass for me screwing around with my ex-girlfriend but when Trent gets in the picture, it’s totally different for you.

GWEN: It is totally different.

DERRICK: No, it’s really not.

GWEN: Why do you say that?

DERRICK: Because I love you.

DIANA (warmly): What about me, baby?

DERRICK: Diana, you know I care a lot about you.

GWEN scoffs.

DERRICK: But I love Gwen.

DIANA: What, and you didn’t before?

GWEN: Yeah, Derrick. You didn’t before?

DERRICK: It’s not like that.

GWEN: Which one of us are you talking to exactly?

DERRICK (pitifully): Whoever would be happier with me?

GWEN and DIANA both punch his arms.

DIANA (picking up her clothes): Try this on for size, if you have any: I’m going to get dressed and I am out of here. (Pulling ring off finger) And here’s your dumb ring. (Throws it at him)

DERRICK bends over to pick it up but GWEN picks it up before he can.

GWEN: What the hell is this?

DERRICK: It’s not what it looks like.

GWEN: It looks like an engagement ring.

DERRICK: Okay, maybe it is what it looks like.

GWEN: I want you gone.

DIANA (now clothed): I’m out of here.

GWEN & DERRICK: Bye!

GWEN: I want you out of here before the reunion. I want you gone by checkout tomorrow morning.

DERRICK (moving towards GWEN, arms open, warmly): But, baby…

GWEN (pushing him away): When are you going to learn? “Baby” is not my name. Gwen is. And soon I will be Miss Gwen Cagis. And you can go back to your bimbo girlfriend.

DERRICK: But I love you.

GWEN: So I’ve heard. Get out. I want you gone by checkout. I’ll be back home in two days. Then, we’ll file for divorce.

GWEN turns and walks out the bedroom door and the suite door slams on her way out.