Chapter One - The Beginning Current mood: thoughtful In the realm of Visarra, there lies a girl in snow. There is a path of blood leading to her, which only she can see. It doesn't end and she knows it never will. The blood came, not from her veins but, right from her heart, revealed by the deep, crimson lining on her breast. She is not asleep, nor awake. Her trance is a mere reflection of her life. Her eyes would flutter, as she came to. Sitting up, she speaks. "How did I get here?" she asks herself. It seems only yesterday the world held a different meaning... ************************************************ Chapter Two - A Past Revealed Current mood: thoughtful She thinks back to before the blood lined her stride. She remembers the firs t one she let in. He wasn't the best looking guy but his name rang bells in her ears - "Dane." He felt for her but she doubted it at times and, when she couldn't handle it, she let someone else, Cail, try his luck. Unfortunately, Dane couldn't leave her, at least, not for long. But the battle formed her start: a pool of cool blood. Soon, Dane was nowhere to be seen and neither was Cail. But someone else found beauty in her - Drahqul. He’d hold her in the warmth of his sleek trench coat, even when the heat could've kept her. But again, an intruder entered named Swifty. She knew her heart would be reported stolen, when she'd never given it up in the first place. Soon, Drahqul left her all alone and Swifty made his entrance. She felt alone and scared and it stopped snowing, only long enough for her to find herself in Swifty. Of all the pain she caused, she finally felt the backhand she'd been nonchalantly using against everyone. Soon, Swifty left as well, for the Southern Goddess. Though she tried to rekindle the fire in Dane and herself and in Drahqul in herself, she soon found that the past should stay that way. Nothing is the same the second time. She began to wonder why she should keep risking her snow for them. Along came Melech. In every essence, she knew she'd fall for him. They'd leave footprints in the snowstorm and he knew of her sinful tales of the former flames. But one night, he came to love her. And she came to love him. And though their hearts are forever interlocking, it will never be in the way she wants. While entertaining thoughts of Melech, several other thoughts lingered. One was that of Pascado, a man who still wanted someone else. He desired for a familiar relationship and one she couldn't provide for. The other was Ojos (pronounced "oh- hos). He loved her smile and she fell for him as well. But her path of blood separated their hearts. This woman, though sometimes strong, must overcome a reality that betrays her. But how? This woman's name is Roxanne. ************************************************ Chapter 3 - Unhappy Parties Current mood: sad Roxanne made a snowball in her hand, as if trying to be rid of all the snow around her. She sat up as she formed the ball and saw a silhouette in the distance. Of a tall man, around 6 feet tall. His hair was brown and his trudging walk made Roxanne fear. She knew it was Melech before he arrived. "What's wrong, my Roxanne?" he queried. You don't mean it, she thought. But she submitted to answering. "Melech, do you love me?" she hopefully asked. "Of course. Why? What's wrong?" he replied. "Nothing is wrong with me. Something must be wrong with you. This isn't the you I know. I know this Melech who trusts me and talks to me. I know the Melech who isn't bored by the life he goes through. I wish I knew a Melech that found there was no better time than today." She sighed. She knew he wouldn't listen, yet again. "What do you mean?" "Yesterday. Was nothing interesting enough for you? Was I not good enough for you? Why did you not look me in the eyes but twice in the course of nearly nine hours?" "Look, I wasn't bored. I said the wrong thing at the wrong time about the wrong situation. I never said a thing about you not being good enough. Do you constantly need reassurance? Why? You don't need someone else to tell you you're great. You should know. What are you afraid of? I love you. There's nothing denying that. I don't have to look you in the eyes all the time." But it won't help Roxanne. In her eyes, you can see fire from the words he says. How dare he? She thinks the best of herself...sometimes. But it's still all his fault. She can't see how no one sides with her. ****************** Melech walked outside to think. Why am I always the one to blame? She doesn't get it. We weren't brought up the same way. What's so wrong with the way I think? God and I agree. I know I'm not always in the right but why, in her eyes, am I always in the wrong? He thought. Roxanne soon chased after him. He could tell from the start that the words they each said would mean nothing to one another. There were no pointed to get through and no barriers that weren't durable. Melech knew what he thought but, to appease Roxanne, he just submitted and followed her back to a lonely seat. ******************** Roxanne sat down with Melech. She could think of nothing but the tears pouring from her face. She was shivering and he wasn't even looking at her. She thought of a recurring phrase - "I should tell you I have always loved you." She knew not if this phrase meant friendship or romance to her but she knew she missed it. She wanted to take his hand or even his shoulder. But she feared it. She feared that she'd already lost her shot. ************************************************ Chapter 4 - The Dream Current mood: pensive AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A DREAM. THIS DIDN'T OCCUR. Roxanne left her seat, abandoning her time with Melech, as she needed her own time to learn. She crawled to her snowy spot, her only spot she ever was able to think in. The blood trail again followed her. It seemed it always followed her, no matter where she went. It was her baggage, per se. She was continually a slave to the bloody snow. The cold of the night was daring her to stop and she fell asleep in the snow... ******************************* She began to walk and found herself alone with a man whom she could not see the face of. Was it Melech? Pascado? Ojos? Was it Brooks, the man she'd only recently gotten to know? Brooks was a man of character, always musically inclined. She'd spent a few hours with him before and he collaborated on songs with her. But she knew it wasn't him. Then who was this man? Whoever he was, Roxanne knew him. She began to argue and he grabbed her arm. Just as his left arm pulled behind him, another man, dark haired and broad shouldered, came up and began shouting, calling to leave Roxanne alone and he soon did. Roxanne and the dark haired man went away to talk. They spoke of the other man, her ex-boyfriend, and why he was so hard-pressed to fight. "I don't know," she replied. "He's just that type." "You deserve better," the man replied. "Like who?" "Me." Roxanne and the man continued their conversation, talking of the girlfriend he had, right outside of his house, which they laughed about. He described his girlfriend in such loving terms but said she could be temperamental. He told her of how he can't tell if she even wanted him half of the time. "I'd always want you," Roxanne coyly commented. The man smiled. He knew this to be true and he leaned over to kiss Roxanne. She hesitated, but followed through. Their kiss began passionately, but soon became lustful. Though they began this conversation standing, they soon became horizontal upon his living room couch. The moments that followed were tender and animalistic, passionate and fierce. The constant waves of their ocean soared through the couch springs until the moment concluded in a breathless, dewy, and wrapped in the pretzel of their bodies. He held her close and, though they'd just met, she'd let him in, like no one else had been let. She never knew she'd trust someone so much. ******************* Time passes, and flies and this time sped. She became more and more wrapped in how intimate they continued to be and she began to feel for him like she trusted him: like no one else. One particular day was rather strange. She was discussing a rather touchy subject, that of a girl she knew he wanted still. She asked if she was in the passing time they'd spent and he became enraged. "Why the hell does it matter?" he yelled. "What? I was asking..." She didn't finish her sentence. The man through her against a bookcase and held her throat and arm at his mercy. She gasped, aching from the shelves in her back. She couldn't even ask why. She accepted the coming tosses to the shelves and the bruises among her arms. The hardest one was to her chest, leaving her wounded. She thought to herself, I shouldn't have asked. She was breathless, crying, tortured in pain. He told her about his reasoning, how there are things not to mention. She agreed not to mention them. She knew the very thought of these girls to her could hurt her again. But one found out about his feelings. A girl, thin and beautiful, discovered Roxanne's attractions. She wanted Roxanne gone. She yelled at the man and left him lonely, only to ask to be picked up by Roxanne. Roxanne felt used. "Am I only the one you love and want when every other girl you want is gone?" He was silent. She knew she caught him. She was silent and walked away. "I just wish you loved me. Not when it's convenient and no one's around but when everyone is here and you couldn't be busier. Not as a last resort, but as a first choice. Not as a lover, but at least as the friend you always said I was. But you can't see me like that if you always want them and never me." She knew she just wanted him to love her as his friend, as his trusted companion. She didn't even look at him or wait for a response. She didn't trust him not to take her to that bookshelf again. She left. ************************* Waking, she found herself not in snow, but in rain. Thought the snow was there, as was the blood, the only thing pouring was rain. She didn't even notice the tears she cried. They were only natural. ************************************************ Chapter 5 - What Dreams May Come Current mood: confused As the rain fell, she fell with it. Her eyes closed and, as the rain stopped, her dreams began... ************************** Roxanne stood in front of a mirror. She turned to her side and noticed a little bit more weight being carried on her torso. It's probably just water weight, she thought, but fearfully remembered the night before. She feared the worst could have happened as the months continued. She'd never used protection with this man and that scared her. Weeks later, she told her friends how she'd been feeling. About how everything sickened her. She didn't know what was happening. Her physicality soon began to grow and she knew it was more than a little weight. She delicately traced her fingers along her stomach and noticed the firmness. After missing her feminine curse for three months straight, she knew the truth. She told her friends how far along and every detail... ******************** Abruptly, she woke. What were these dreams telling her? Her analytical mind tried to make sense but could come up with nothing. What was her subconscious pregnancy a premonition of? Was it even a premonition? The options she feared were the very ones she wished to be true. Pregnancy in a dream symbolizes a new beginning. Perhaps her new beginning was with the dark haired mystery man. But who is he? ************************************************ Chapter 6 - Perfection or Pain? Current mood: weird Roxanne couldn't just sit in one spot so she trudged backwards along her already bloody path. She questioned these dreams. She was thankful they weren't true. But there had to be reasons for these dreams. She couldn't be just thinking of children and sex and abuse all the time; what was wrong with her? No one understood. No one cared to understand. And she didn't care to truly explain. She'd been this way for a while, hiding what she felt. She'd been betrayed before. She could be betrayed again. Perhaps that is what the abuse after-glow meant. She was allowing this dark-haired man to get the closest he could and he's betrayed her, abused her, hurt her. It all resulted in something she'd never expect but she is expecting. Perhaps the pregnancy symbolized something coming. When people really love each other, pregnancy can be good. But when there is something wrong in a relationship, a pregnancy becomes a problem, something to deal with. And yet, she still was unaware of who was the man. This simple fact could show what the dreams mean. It could show what she'd been trying to discover. But, as she fell asleep, there was the man again. She was ready for a beating and he was ready to heal her. Was this the same dark-haired man? The same one who hurt her and let her almost die before? She didn't know. She only knew that the same heartfelt voice said to her... "Miss me?" ************************************************ Chapter 7 - Relax and Relent Current mood: relaxed Roxanne decided to relax for a little while. She even made a snow castle and pretended she was small enough to be in it. But for the few moments she could escape, she continued with an entire day of moments that were...inescapable. She was thinking about the dark-haired man. And she decided it was just her dream man for now whom she perhaps already knew. That's too easy, she said, who meets their perfect person so quickly. But it was one of those days. She wish she had more of them. She loved the times when she could just let her mind wander. When she could have more than a second to figure something out and she had a lot to figure out. Melech, well, he was always an interesting topic. He thought she was mad still. But she wasn't. Not for a thing that was said before, not for a thing said today. And she knew she wouldn't be mad at a thing he'd ever really say. She just couldn't. When you go through as much as they have, fights and apologies alone, it's hard to stay mad at someone who knows you better than you know yourself. She had begun to face that horrific fact that he's going to always be untouchable. Though she almost knew that going into her relationship with him, she never quite let go. She knows she won't ever really let go. But that's part of the fun. Ojos? Well, he is a wonderful guy. She knew that. Driven. Sweet. Smart. He's a guy she comes to know more about every day. There's something about him. She doesn't know if it makes her uncomfortable or excited. But he makes her react. He makes her unsure of when she says "no" and always wonder if saying "yes" could darken that blood trail or erase it. Drahqul? Drahqul is something else. There always been something in her that makes her wonder. There's that attraction that never left her. She has always wanted him. And she's always wished that second chance wasn't always missed. But she lied to him, and not in that way that everyone knew Roxanne was entirely capable of. The truth is Swifty caused her mistakes. She can never forgive herself. Despite all efforts to convince her ignorant heart that forever forgetting him would be fine, she seems to get worse at lying as the months draw longer. Pascado is a wild card. An approaching interest. Pascado was...heading right towards that little snow castle. ********************** She always seemed to encounter people when she feared the confusion. She often felt like she should be doing more to make him see it all. She knew Pascado's security blanket was his loneliness at times and she wondered how that could be. For a man who had long dedicated his heart to the taken mode, his switch was easily clicked to "alone" with happiness. But for all of his happiness, he sure missed his former flame. Who could blame him? Though he tried eagerly to convince everyone including himself, that it was out of the blue to be so crudely dumped, but everyone already knew, there is no out of the blue. Nothing really comes from nothing. A bad emotion, a good emotion, a breakup, a new coupling. Everything has a lead up. And her feelings for each, they were building. *************************** Roxanne stood. They greeted each other but the sad excuse for entertainment she tried to play off wasn't working. They didn't talk. In fact, they barely looked at each other. Two hours seems to float by nothing had happened, except perhaps the exchange of twelve sentences. She blamed this on the fact they had a third person in their conversations and entertainment. Not that the addition impaired their time, since there wasn't really anything in the first place. When he left, he turned to Roxanne. They just hugged, no special embrace. But it was almost a joke. She turned and went back to her little snow castle, very lightly chuckling. "You know," she said, aloud, but to herself in a whisper, "that's the first time he's hugged me with both arms." ************************************************ Chapter 8 - A Castle To Cover Current mood: accomplished Roxanne gently traced her fingers around the castle to form a small moat. "It'll always protect this castle," she said aloud, yet again. She'd grown accustomed to saying everything out loud when she was alone. No one could hear her for miles anyway. Everyone had long left. This castle was magnificent but the one in her mind was more intricate than she could make. The cold snow chilled her fingertips and prevented further construction. She knew the castle she dreamt of. It was beautiful but height didn't really matter. Amount of stories wasn't an issue either. This castle was not practically structured on the outside or inside. Structures and columns were where they needn't be. Draperies hung on windows where no light shown towards. There were doors leading to nothing but a hallway to another area. In short, this structure would make Howard Roark cringe. Nothing about it was necessary. Except for the entrance doors. The entrance was a simple, two-door space. The lock was a flimsy lock, easily picked by a child even. But there was a second entrance out of that den. It also had two doors but the lock was more difficult. This lock had a lost key. Though Roxanne would've once known where the key would be, the blood in the snow had long buried it. Once passed these doors, you could see the entire interior. The perfect marble floors. The indescribable chandelier, which would light up the whole house in a storm. Also, easily shattered. The bedroom - same lock at the second doors but you had to know the right points to get the key in and to stop. Otherwise, the door would never open. No one had known how to open this door. Though few had neared it, everyone had stopped too soon or too late to realize the door was unlocked. This castle was made with her entire self, poured into it. Now, she didn't have to hide in the bloody snow. Her hardships had a home. ************************************************ Chapter 9 Current mood: nostalgic Roxanne loved that castle. She loved when she was alone and there was music blaring from every vibrating wall. She'd run through the curvy hallways and dance until she sweated. No, women don't sweat, she would remind herself. Women glow. Well, she certainly glowed a lot in these runabouts. She supposed she didn't mind alone when she was with herself. And her music or her writing. She could create another being in the room. She had no real loneliness, even when she was alone. Sometimes, in this castle, she would spend hours in the rooms that no one even knew existed. There was one part of the house with a particular room. Thousands of skeletons were in this room. The only characteristic that made this room her closet, and one of many, was the fact there were hangers and shelves and places to hang. But these skeletons preferred the floor. The door was easier to open than her bedroom door. When some bones fell out of the room, the whole skeleton never fell out. There were always pieces never to be found or that mismatched the skeleton. All the men Roxanne became involved with earned a new skeleton to her closet. There were bones for every secret. No one, other than that man, knew their secrets for the most part. No one knew the real reason she came to enjoy her Thursdays a few years ago. No one knew the real reasons she fell in love with Dashboard Confessional or why she liked mayonnaise on her fast food burgers. No one knew the real reasons why strawberry was her favorite flavor or why she loved her pool. Very few know her reasons for all the locks. In short, she's been screwed over too many times. People attempting to steal her chandelier. People attempting to steal priceless pieces from her castle. She's lost too much to the world to unlock the doors now. ************************************************ Chapter 10 - What a Merry Christmas Current mood: calm Roxanne stormed out of her castle doors, across the moat, back into the snow and sat. There were times when she couldn't stand that castle but this time, she could feel that someone was trying to creep in. People wanted to see the inside that had no right inside. She wanted them to stay out. Particularly of that bedroom. Everyone she was letting see the artwork on the walls, she thought that's what they wanted to see. But it wasn't. It was about going down the hallway, following the writing on the wall to her bedroom door. She'd catch them sneaking in and she'd consider the idea but make them leave. A few times, she'd hide from them. Some people would come looking for her but she'd flee her castle. There's only so many echoes it takes to fill the empty halls, giving false impressions. Once in her castle, she'd found the one person with every key, but he didn't ever use the bedroom one. She gave him an entire copy of keys. Sometimes, she'd block the doors. But he knew how far to press. Melech. She'd never really invited him in but he'd come when she needed him and they'd sit in the living room. Discussions of who-really-cares-but-them topics. They'd not really talked for a while. But to them, a while could be a few days or a few months. All "a while" really meant was time. It's how it all fell together. Roxanne really loves Melech and Melech feels the same, but to tolerate each other on a regular basis, nearly impossible. She thought the world of him and he didn't deserve it. His skeletons had a closet too. She'd seem some and didn't mind it. But today, on Christmas, she wasn't sure why she should pretend to be mad. So she didn't. Besides, to make a merry Christmas, she had to pass on her gift to him. She'd given him something he wanted and thus, "I love you" rang bells. "So, you aren't mad at me," Roxanne concluded, smothered in a warm, rocking embrace. "I do believe you were mad at me," stated Melech. But it made no difference. Everything was well now. The embrace was nothing more than establishing a reconciliation. One they'd had often. Some through tears, actually most. But this one, no tears. Just a warm embrace. He left. But she wasn't alone. It was Christmas. And somehow, she got a merry one. As she danced alone to music throughout the house, Drahqul scared her at the door. She always enjoyed the company, though she often carried conversations. Simple ones followed but awkward questions came. Talks of her worst kiss led to talks of the best. She knew he was the cake topper of that subject but nothing could keep her from the glasses of Nostalgia being served. Her memory was jogged with every pint she drank. This was the only drink she could hold. But before she could become drunk, she had to stop the visit, for fears of saying what she shouldn't. So ends Christmas, with a mouthful of words she'd regret not saying. Both to Melech and Drahqul. ************************************************ Chapter 11 Current mood: frustrated Roxanne was curled in a corner near her front door. Close enough to open if she saw someone coming, but far enough that she couldn't run out. She didn't want to run out, but she was sitting there for a reason. Someone had been let in that day. Someone who took unfair advantage of her hospitality. She let him tour the house briefly, for she'd expected only for him to stay momentarily. They had tried to entertain themselves with a movie, which soon was over. She could feel him inching towards her bedroom every chance he had. She'd made sure the door was locked, constantly tempted to unlock it, just for a chance, just to see what would happen. She thought of her dream. Was this the dark-haired man? Dark-haired? Yes. But a man? No, he was still a boy in ways that were all physical, mental, and hormonal. No man, no friend would try so profusely to break into her bedroom. These were her thoughts near the front door and she heard a knock. "What the hell...?" she thought. She looked through the peephole. She didn't want the boy back again, not if he was going to break into her room. But it wasn't the boy. It was Pascado. "Hey, um, can I come in or are you just going to keep looking?" Roxanne let him in. Pascado was always a great friend to her. But every time she got close to him, mentally or physically, she always left feeling like she missed something great. She had a feeling he knew that she felt something for him. And she wasn't quite sure why she wouldn't directly tell him. But tonight wasn't the night for it. No, she thought. It's never the night to tell him, is it? They sat on the couch. She was watching yet another movie. She hadn't actually sat down to relax in so long. She couldn't relax when she was with that boy. But with Pascado? She didn't feel like she had to constantly impress him. She didn't feel on edge, like she had to lock her bedroom door. He stayed for a little while but a little while was long enough for her to enjoy. They didn't go near her bedroom. In fact, they didn't travel far at all. But, when he left, she felt the same as she always did...like she missed out. ************************************************ Chapter 12 Current mood: crushed Roxanne sat in her bedroom, staring at the walls. But she couldn't stand it. It all looked like too much. She didn't see how someone else could want to go in anyway. But, even so, why did she protect it so then? She left her bedroom and just let herself lay beneath her chandelier. She tossed her mind's inquiries around. Pascado...Ojos...Melech...Drahqul...Dane, even... She knew her emotions for each without really knowing them. Sure, each of them had wonderful traits: smart, charming, determined, attractive, fun, entertaining, trustworthy. But they all had their own little things that kept her away. With Pascado, she constantly felt like he was pulling her close and pushing her away. She felt like her emotions were a toy to him, without him really knowing it. With Melech, she loved him. But this was a complicated love. She didn't know if it was romantic or friendship or in-between. She just knew, her relationship with him, it would never be more. With Ojos, she was scared. Because he was so uninhibited. And she had so much to keep careful attention to. And Drahqul, well, he's in love. And she can't take that. As for Roxanne, there were times when she felt like the chandelier could fall right on her and not hurt a bit. Not in comparison to these unfair entertainments. ************************************************ Chapter 13 - The Bird Current mood: rejected Roxanne had a bird. It was a beautiful, male blue jay. It's colors were remarkable and this blue jay told her everything it discovered. Well, one day, this bird, Nia, flew far from Roxanne's castle. Roxanne didn't know where he went to discover things but he was gone for days at a time, quite often. When he was away, Roxanne filled her days up. She enjoyed the company of "friends" today, but outside of her castle. The inside was a complete mess and there was still some snow on the ground. She decided to keep the outside still lovely, in spite of the inside's mess. She hated when the inside was messy, and even more so when people could see it's mess. But perhaps Nia would bring home some decent news. But this was no such luck. Nia came to the door and, as always, Roxanne only let her in the first doors. Nia gave her news; on Pascado's love for him old flame still burning bright. On Melech's love for his interest, Donna. How she'd said yes to a question Nia had not heard. About Ojos and his growing attraction. About Drahqul and his nonexistent want for Roxanne. About Dane and his frustrating behavior. About the boy's hormones. Nia continued her gossipy tales but Roxanne whimpered softly as she cried. Nia realized all the pain she was unfolding as she quickly stopped and left. Roxanne slammed the door shut, only crying because she'd been left out of a trust of the people she thought trusted her. ************************************************ Chapter 14 - How the Heart Breaks Current mood: anxious Don't you wanna go for a ride? Just keep your hands inside… Roxanne went outside to her car and got inside. It was the only truly quiet place she knew of. She could scream and cry and no one could hear her. She preferred it sometimes. It’s where she went to think. And make the most out of life… Tonight, she thought of a friend, a very dear one, named Neo. She had only known Neo for a short while but she felt like she’d been a friend with her before she was even birthed. She had grown so close to Neo. Neo was the only one who knew many of her secrets and Roxanne had begun to think this best friend would be around for a lifetime. With her. But now… Now don't you take it for granted… Neo’s decision would be to move. She would be leaving and Roxanne had long seen it coming. She knew she wouldn’t be there forever but she didn’t think she’d be gone so soon. Life is like a mean machine. It made a mess outta me. It left me caught between… Roxanne knew Neo’s best interest would lead her to a far away place, one where Roxanne could not follow. She thought and she was crowding the car’s air with the fearing, abandoned thoughts. She opened the door and fell to the snow, exhausted from her silent screams. She leaned against the front of the car, slumping down into the snow. She began to cry. She cried silently so no one could hear her while she was unprotected by any walls. Like an angry dream I was stranded… Her faint wailing became a lullaby to put her to sleep and she dreamt. But her subconscious mind tortured her still. She’d not thought of him for so long but she found herself dreaming of Pascado. In this dream, she found herself unable to erase him. In her dream, he slept with her on her bedroom’s couch. They did not touch but, in a moment, a friendly conversation caught a glance in silence and she didn’t see Pascado. She saw a man who she couldn’t have when he lain no more than two feet from her. They both turned from the stare and she fell asleep in her dream… And I'm steady but I'm starting to shake and I don't know how much more I can take…. …which ironically woke her back to this “reality.” She awoke in a startled state. After she realized where she was, she let her senses catch up. She began to shiver as the snow started to fall again. Her lips were a deep blue and her fingertips – frost-bitten. She knew she needed warmth and she climbed back into the car and as she inserted the key into the ignition, she saw a distant silhouette not too far away. She knew she had to leave but she wanted so badly to go back to the castle. The silhouette became a body. She didn’t want anyone to see her in this state of melancholy. The body was…Pascado. Well this is it now. Everybody get down. This is all I can take. This is how a heart breaks… Pascado knocked on her car window and she opened the door. “Hey, Roxanne. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.” “Really? Um, actually, I’m on my way out,” Roxanne replied. She didn’t know where she was going to go but it was away. She didn’t know why she wanted to leave but stay with him at the same time. She didn’t know why she wanted him to hug her and tell her she’d be fine without touching her at all. “You seem upset. Are you okay?” ”No, but I will be.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “Not really. But I do want to talk to you. Do you want to join me?” What was she doing? She had to be alone, so why was he invited? She didn’t really want alone. She wanted the company of someone who could understand. You take a hit now you feel it break down, make you stay wide-awake, this is how a heart breaks… “Can I bring a friend?” Pascado inquired. Roxanne knew which friend and she knew why. This friend was meant to help in the healing process from his former flame. She submitted to this entertainment. Though she knew now that discussing a thing with him would be impossible. ********************************************** Don't you want to go for a ride? Down to the other side, feels so good you could cry. Now won't you do what I told you? He would never meet her on time when this friend was accompanies. Never had, probably never will. This constantly disappointed Roxanne. She would never have his attention. I remember when you used to be shy. Yeah, once we were so fine you and I. Why you gotta make it so hard on me? Not even two days ago, her time with him was nothing but wonderful. She’d talked to him and she had so much left to say. She reminded herself of the casual contact they’d not even noticed. How he’d not moved when her hand brushed his knew. How she’d remained where she was when his arm accidentally touched hers. She laughed with him and it hurt her to know she was just a flirtation’s pastime. And I'm sorry but it's not a mistake… She knew what she wanted. She wanted to be alone but not lonely. She made him not lonely but, when he friend was there, she couldn’t be herself. And I'm running but you're getting away… She wanted to confide in him as he’d so many times asked of her. But in the way he continued to act, she didn’t thing she could. ******************************************* You're not the best thing that I knew Never was never cared too much for all this hanging around It's just the same thing all the time Never get what I want, never get too close to the end of the line You're just the same thing that I knew Back before the time when I was running from you She remembered when she wanted nothing to do with him. When that former flame had his heart and her friendship. She wanted nothing more than for him to be gone. He got in the way of her being herself. But now, she could be herself around him and she needed him to be there for her. Whenever Nia talked about his adventures, she wondered… Is this how the heart breaks? ************************************************ Chapter 15 Current mood: artistic Roxanne just wanted to leave Pascado behind. So she did. She left, feeling like she needed to talk him more than she ever had. But he still had no time for her. She'd get over it, she thought. So she found an old friend. She liked talking to old friends and she was never in the mood not to hear what's new. This old friend, another man, had his own castle. His wasn't made of snow. In fact, she didn't een know what material it was. Strange looking on the outside. She'd never been inside and he invited her to visit sometime. She knew she would. But, for now, she would just wander around her own property. She had something she needed to express. She didn't know how... ************************************************ Chapter 16 Current mood: artistic Roxanne wanted to sleep and, though she dreamed often, she never was absolutely relaxed. Long time since she relaxed and tonight, she was wishing for a night like that. She wanted to fall asleep. She wanted dreamless sleep. Maybe a dreamless sleep could help her realize what she wanted in life. Did she want money? No, not really. Though money could buy some retail therapy, she moreover wanted a reason to end all retail therapy. She wanted happiness. She had everything on a platter right now, even at times she didn't recognize it. She may not have a lover in Melech, but she had a friend. She may not have a date with Pascado but she had time. She may not have the closeness of Drahqul or even Ojos, but she had the attention. She may not have the convenience of the restaurant trips with Neo any longer, but she had this bond. And this new guy? She didn't know what she had with him. Another friend. But friends and attention sickened Roxanne. She didn't care about flirtations anymore. She didn't need pretenses. She wanted... Oh, like she knew. She couldn't even decide what to wear half of the time, in spite of her planning. Yes, she would try to plan her outfits for the following week. She would never go all the way through and maybe this reflected onto her real life. Her inability to decide. Her inability to follow through. Or was it that when she knew what she wanted, she always had to settle. Well, she was through with settling. Let them have their friendships. Let them hand out attention on the silver platters they thought they'd bought. But still. Roxanne had only one more shot in that gun. Only one tank left of gas. She had one choice to make and she didn't know how she could split it up. Clichés ran her - "You can't have your cake and eat it too." "It's not the end of the world." "There's plenty of fish in the sea." Well, she knew the last one. She took out her pole and went to the beach near the castle. No great one was complete without it. She put out the bait and waited for a catch. A good one. A keeper... She waited for a bite. And she heard a melody in the distance... The sanest days are mad why don't you find out for yourself? Then you'll see the price Very closely Some men here, They have a special interest in your career They wanna help you to grow And then siphon all your dough Why don't you find out for yourself? Then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass you'll never believe me so Why don't you find out for yourself? Sick down to my heart Well that's just the way it goes Some men here, They know the full extent of your distress They kneel and pray And they say: "Long may it last" Why don't you find out for yourself? Then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass Backseats come and go For which you must allow Sick down to my heart That's just the way it goes Don't rake up my mistakes I know exactly what they are And what do you do? Well, you just sit there I've been stabbed in the back So many, many times I don't have any skin But that's just the way it goes She knew the voice. Brandon Flowers sings in her ear. He asks her, "Why don't you find out for yourself?" Softly, she whispers, "I don't know where to start." "It started out with a kiss," he replies. A kiss. Maybe that's where she'll find an answer. ************************************************ Chapter 17 - Pascado, this one is for you Roxanne needed someone around to understand that she didn't understand anything. She wanted to get out of this life, this unbearable castle. She knew Pascado would be having fun with his friends but she foolishly decided to accompany him. She arrived near a tree house. This tree house was really amazing. Funny how it is that, even with the most awesome tree house, some people can ruin it. She climbed down from this tree house and sought after that boy. Pascado caught up and asked what was wrong. "It takes too long to explain," Roxanne lied. She knew exactly what was wrong. "Should I have told you who would be here?" Pascado asked. He was right on track. It wasn't the fact he didn't tell her. She kind of knew she'd be there. "No, just, I'm leaving." "Well, are you okay?" "Not really." She figured she would tell one truth. How would he react to know she felt jealous that he was so wanted and she was always wanting? "Well, when you get home, will you tell me what's wrong? Call me or something? Tomorrow?" She knew calling him tomorrow wouldn't work. They ended their brief conversation with a promise of a few moments together soon. But, likely, he would bring her. She wished he wouldn't. She walked home and thought to herself. She wondered how Pascado felt about her. Were his intentions purely flirtatious? Would he ever get over that flame in his mind? Would he ever... "Hey." A new voice. A familiar one, oddly. His name was Kattan. "Hey, how are you?" "Good." Their conversation roamed through discussions of bedrooms and one skeleton that was knocking on both of their doors. She'd known him a while and, when she'd met him, she wanted to know him better. He was the kind of guy she could just tell she likes and he, surprisingly, responded the same. Their conversation ended and Roxanne continued all the way home. That closet of skeletons was overflowing. She knew they'd be let out soon. Not yet. And somehow, Pascado was the only one she would want to open it right now. Melech, Roxanne still loved him. But, she couldn't spend her time thinking of someone who could never love her in the way she loved him. This was her past want but it kept emerging. She screamed: "How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart? It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out till you're torn apart." ************************************************ Chapter 18 - Here's it all to Melech Current mood: pensive Roxanne welcomed a new year, a new opportunity and she knew, this whole last year that she had, all the drama she had partaken in, she was determined to change. For the entire eve of the New Year, Roxanne couldn't be busier. She spent a good portion of her day serving others, like usual. She finally had a time to relax and have some fun in a tree house where she knew she was comfortable. God was watching and she hoped He would have a word or two for how to guide her. She ran into Melech and almost feared what would come. She'd long needed a talk with him and talk, they did. "Hey." "Hi." "There's something that's been on my mind, Melech, but I don't want to hurt you in saying it." "Since when have you been worried about what would hurt me?" The words cut deep to Roxanne, though she continued with her explanations. "Since now. I feel like we're farther apart than we've ever been. I mean, I know we are close. I love you and that's that. But why won't you let me in?" "The past is the past," Melech told her. "My past is my past and it shouldn't affect our past or our future." "But how can you know where you're going if you don't know where you've been?" "Because I know. I know where I'm going. We know where we're going." "Really? Because I have no idea." "Then you know what I know." "I don't know. I love you. Why can't you grasp that? Why can't you understand?" They conversed the same general idea for a good amount of time. Finally, he said, "I love you more than you will ever know, and it's not because I won't tell you. "Well, then why is it?" "Can't you be patient? Learn to just listen, Roxanne. It's because there aren't words to explain what I would do for you." "Maybe 'I love you' says it all, Melech. Maybe, just maybe, it's all that you could need." She left. She still was unsure on what "love" she meant when she gave it to him. Nia had told her one thing though - with the way he behaved and protected her, he either loved her like a sister or lied to the world about him not wanting her. She brushed Nia off her shoulder and returned to the couch in her living room. She didn't care which was true. Just that he loved her at all what all she wanted. ************************************************ Chapter 19 - Current mood: satisfied Roxanne wandered around her lonely castle. It's visitors had left for the night and these were the sad times to her - when everyone left. She even let Nia leave. She was aware that Nia had met another bird in her travels and Nia was not one to remained un-gossipy. This crow she'd met, she's tell everything to, without regard to what Roxanne wanted. So, Roxanne told Nia to tell the crow a message. She'd learned this bird was Ojos. Though Ojos was charming and handsome and courteous, her only communication was his crow and Nia. Their castles were so far from each other. She knew they'd meet so Nia let the crow know the truth, how Roxanne couldn't love Ojos. Not now. The crow didn't like this but returned to Ojos with the news. Roxanne felt bad but she knew this was fairest and the best option. She went to sleep that night and dreamt thousands of dreams. These dreams disappeared the moment she awakened though. Maybe that was good? As she was waking, a reminder came to mind. Neo was leaving. Roxanne cried, her sobs reverberating off of her castle walls. She knew Neo would never leave her heart and she'd return to the castle soon. But soon seemed forever away. Neo had even come to say goodbye. But Roxanne wasn't there. Her loneliness had been mildly sedated by morning. She heard a knock at the door and found herself face to face with some neighbors - Stunna and Spunki. She'd known Spunki a long time. She was friends with her close sister, Fiona. Stunna was Spunki's boyfriend. They were sweet together and they both constantly needed her counsel. She'd begun a room for this particular event. But today was not a day to give counsel. It was a day to receive it. "You know, Roxanne, you really just need to go for him," Stunna told her. "It's not a matter of going for it. It's a matter of going for one," Roxanne replied. Stunna and Roxanne had known each other for a short time, though she'd once wanted him. Now, Spunki had him and she couldn't be happier for them. But Stunna had come into the habit of trying to counsel Roxanne. And she wasn't in the mood. Stunna and Spunki soon left, happy they'd stopped by and Roxanne was more than happy to have had the company. But she knew who Stunna was referring to - Melech. Wasn't it always? Even when both Roxanne and Melech know that this friendship they hold is real, they like to have random fights to keep it fresh. Stunna just saw Melech as a ploy to trick Roxanne. Maybe it was. But Roxanne trusts Melech not to trick her. Pascado hadn't visited the castle in sometime. Roxanne missed their inappropriate, though entertaining conversations. Maybe tomorrow. She always had tomorrow. Then, a little voice said, "There is no future. There is no past...no day but today." ************************************************ Chapter 20 Current mood: accomplished Roxanne was sick of everything and she found someone who could understand that: Pascado. She knew why the seed had been planted. She knew why she liked him, or thought she did. Their mutual friend, James, had planted it from the very beginning and she was learning to dig up the dirt. She found what she really had in Pascado – a budding friendship. She was almost relieved to have a friend instead of an unrequited crush. She knew she could express things about her life to Pascado that no one else would understand. And he, in turn, could return the favor and express his emotions and thoughts to her. Roxanne felt bad that his girlfriend, Cosquillas, didn’t think she liked her. In all honesty, though she began that friendship with doubt, she was now living it with admiration and fun. Now that Roxanne knew Pascado didn’t feel the same, she could move on with her dramatic, eventful adventures in Visarra. She still didn’t know a lot. She didn’t know how Kattan felt for her, though he claimed to like her. She didn’t exactly know how Melech felt for her (he thought this was a good thing). She was utterly confused about Drahqul. Then again, she always was. Besides, men were just a foreign idea. She didn’t understand them a bit but that was okay. She didn’t want to understand them all. She barely understood herself. ************************************************ 11:04 AM - Chapter 21 - Who/What/Why Roxanne isn't letting go Current mood: accomplished Roxanne awoke the next morning. She didn’t even remember falling asleep. Visarra was too noisy of a place to sleep through. She knew her day awaited her but she just couldn’t wait for the day. It seemed like she wanted everything too soon or not yet. She wanted it all right now or sometimes in the too-distant future. She knew that got her into trouble. Everyone could deal with her, usually, but Ojos didn’t want to take it. She knew she’d told him she couldn’t be with him. And she completely stood beside her decision. She was happy she could even make one. But she remembered what he told her. “You can’t just hold onto your past.” She hated when everyone but one was wrong. She wished everyone were right or wrong. But would she listen to him? Of course, not. She was too close to her past. She kept thinking, maybe if I hold on a little longer, it’ll happen. When had that ever worked? She waited for Dane to come back and look at what he’d done; he’d left her out to dry when he finally returned to Visarra from his sabbatical. But Dane was a special case. He was the first one she’d ever trusted, her first real kiss. She didn’t know if she could still say her first love. She trusted him with all she could and he still didn’t want her. Fights were too hard. But what could she do about it? It occurred to Roxanne she was still in her bed. She got up and went to the kitchen to get a little something to eat as she thought. Others that she held out for – she’d been holding out for Melech. She had to be honest with herself. She knew she liked him still. Melech had told her that she had no idea how he felt for her. She was beginning, not to lose interest but, to get frustrated with not knowing. She was sick of mind games. There was Kattan. She didn’t so much hold out for him but she did what she could. When he was working long hours and long weeks, it was difficult to get in touch with him. She still liked him and she hadn’t given up on him. She still continued her crush. From working with him to working on him, there wasn’t a day without work. But Kattan was attractive, hilarious, fun, and smart. Who would get rid of this guy? And Pascado – they had talked the night before. She knew what she really felt for Pascado was the close friendship she shared with him. She was no longer waiting on him. He was happy. And they were friends. And she definitely needed a friend. Her only wish would be that he would stop living in the past, as hypocritical as she could sound. He had this wonderful girlfriend, Cosquillas. Maybe she would be able to rid him of his negative thoughts about his old flame, Dulce. Drahqul was still a mystery. And, for now, while he was also in his “perfect” relationship, she’d prefer that. She wanted so much for him to return to Visarra. But she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t waste his time without a lifetime guarantee. She didn’t know how much she could really offer if he came back anyway. She had love for him, but she didn’t think it would be enough. He’d have to be the only one she’d have eyes for. Otherwise, it would be unfair. And she would hate to be unfair. Roxanne was holding onto the past. That part, Ojos was right about. She did need to let go. But sometimes, you need to be ready to let go. And she wasn’t. She didn't want to let go. Her reason was that she wanted to know how these men she craved felt for her. She couldn’t let go if she knew she had some chance. She needed to know if she was just wasting her time. She’d finished eating and she had to clean up all of her messes. She listened as Rob Thomas crooned, “Don't let them get where they're going to. You know they're only what they think of you. You heard of this emotional trickery and you felt like you were learning the ropes but where you're going now you don't now. When the kids on the street say, ‘what's your problem girl?’ and the weight of their smile gets too much for you to bear; when they all make you feel like you're a problem girl, remember: You're no problem at all. Pride like promises can let you down. You thought that you'd be feeling better by now. You worry all the things they could do to you. You worry about the things they could say. Maybe you're seeing things the wrong way.” ************************************************ Chapter 23 Current mood: lethargic Roxanne didn’t think it was that horrible. She did this kind of thing a lot. Maybe it was okay to think a little less of her. But, funny enough, it wasn’t false confidence she tried to convey. It was the confidence itself. She knew she considered herself attractive, though “sexy” and “beautiful” were a little too scary for her modesty. She believed she was smart and knew what she was doing, but she didn’t believe in what she knew sometimes. She knew what she really wanted, but she was afraid that stating it would push the world away. But she had no confidence in her decisions. She couldn’t stand behind her decisions and, thus, she didn’t want to make them. She didn’t want to decide on one thing in case it turned out badly. She didn’t want to admit how pretty she thought she was, because she secretly feared someone would tell her otherwise. She liked to tell herself the people who said she’s pretty, were lying anyway. No one saw her how she saw her. When she looked in the mirror, she would have times the image would vary. Sometimes, the image she saw would be truly ugly. She would be outwardly all-smiles. On the inside, she wished for a different home to reside in. She would wish the windows in the one she owned would not exist. She couldn’t be happy at these times. How sad it was that she must be inspired to love herself. She’d been inspired lately though. She had forgotten about the many skeletons in that closet. She’d forgotten the bedroom door’s key somewhere. Maybe someone had stolen it without her knowledge. She didn’t much care anymore. About anything. She just knew she was truly sick of being lead on. But sometimes, she knew she was leading and she just made them follow. She longed to confide in Ojos about life but she wasn’t ready for that. She honestly didn’t know how to talk to him about life in Visarra and about the world she loved without involving his impressions. Even though he did. She loved when Pascado visited her castle. She knew they would never have a dull conversation, for they always flowed. She didn’t care what friends she earned anymore. She didn’t want a huge quantity. But she loved most of the quality. She hadn’t seen Melech in so long. She wanted to know the way he felt for her, for he had told her: “You don’t know how I really feel about you, which could be a good thing or a bad thing.” She wished someone would say what was on their mind about her. She wished that, even if she wasn’t on Kattan’s, or Melech’s, or Drahqul’s mind, they’d at least say so. Letting go would be terribly difficult. But, in letting go, she began to draw the moat’s bridge up, keeping any visitor’s away. ************************************************ 3:09 PM - Chapter 23 - So she lives Current mood: okay Roxanne was almost finished drawing up the bridge when she saw Melech and Neo, and it nearly scared her. She stopped the gate and let it back down but only for them, only now. Neo was only back for a night and this Roxanne knew. But why Melech was here, she remained unaware. The three went into Roxanne's castle but Neo stayed away for a moment. She knew this conversation would be serious and Roxanne would want to talk to him. Neo left and made herself comfortable in the living room. Melech told Roxanne gently: "You're going to be mad at me." Roxanne knew this sentence set the mood. The walls would rattle in her castle and she heard thunder. She became scared. He continued to tell her about how the garden she so loved was not the same. This garden where she praised the world and it's eternity within her castle's territory, it was a garden he would no longer call his own. He invited her to the new garden he’d found, a beautiful one. But she told him she'd stay at hers. She didn’t know where else she would go. Another roll of thunder rumbled the castle walls. He continued. Melech told her, though he loved her, their relationship would never be one she kept in her bedroom. Roxanne had almost hoped it wouldn’t be. He told her she would have everything she would ever want if he had this power but such powers are not granted to those in Visarra. He granted her the knowledge of how he felt for her, which amounted to everything in the world and nothing at all. This word he searched for was so much greater than love and there was nothing able to make that chandelier shake more. He told her the love he felt would never result in the closeness she thought existed. The lightening struck and her stonewalls burned but didn’t break. Roxanne longed to hug him and was so permitted. She never wanted a bedroom romance but she wished she’d admitted this to herself sooner. She knew all along what he would say but never wanted to hear it. No sooner had she let go of his hug was he gone. She turned to Neo and the rain poured harder. The thunder rolled and the lightening struck. "I don't want you to go," Roxanne said. Neo and Roxanne hugged and Roxanne feared this would be the last time. The rain poured. And poured. ************************************************ 10:33 PM - Chapter 24 - No more snow Current mood: indescribable It was the next morning and the rain was still pouring. No matter what Roxanne did, she couldn't keep the rain away. Her once snow castle was now stone. The snowy ground was melting. But the blood from her heart covered the ground. She went outside to bleed. She came back inside and until the afternoon, it rained. Finally, it stopped. It was almost as if Visarra ran out of water and had to recuperate. She knew she needed time where she could just be herself and she turned to someone she still had a chance of counting on - Kattan. Pascado hadn't even tried to visit during this rain but Kattan just could make her feel better. She needed to feel better. They ventured away from the castle and the garden, where no snow was prevalent. They hinted at her castle and eventually returned to it. They ventured no further than the doorway of her bedroom. Once he’d left, Pascado soon entered. Roxanne felt like he was doing this only to make up a visit but she permitted it and went with him. The friend she found in him seemed to have a quality she’d been looking for but she didn’t know what it was. But she still couldn’t find it in her to trust him. Strike one. He only made one mistake and that was leaving when everyone else did. The rain began to sprinkle. When Neo left Visarra, and Melech left the garden, no one walked in. No one would walk in when she didn’t let them. ************************************************ Chapter 25 - A party at the castle Current mood: accomplished Who was Roxanne kidding? She decided her castle would have a party and she would introduce old- to newcomers. Though all were invited, for she wanted a guest list that she could want. She didn’t see several people invited to the castle, such as Melech, for he’d refused her invitation. Or Neo, but her trips to Visarra continued to be limited. Roxanne and Neo knew the invitation was always open, party or no party. And they both would drop by, with or without invitation. Kattan was the first one to arrive, hours before the rest. They enjoyed the time in the castle and he made her venture outside of her stonewalls. He screamed out to the mountains and she wasn’t the least uncomfortable, even though he asked if she was. Somehow, she was completely content with him outside and he made her able to be out of that castle and feel slightly safer. Soon, Pascado arrived, not yet followed with Cosquillas. He knew Roxanne always needed someone to unlock the door for her. When Kattan went off to play alone, to sing of minutes and dazzling people, Pascado and Roxanne left to talk. “So, are you okay?” Pascado began. He knew it all but one of those tidbits was Roxanne’s inability to truly trust him. “Not really,” Roxanne said. She continued with all that bothered her, as she heard commotion in the garden. Roxanne went to the garden, only to hear guests she didn’t want talking about her beloved friend, Spike. Spike was in the midst of an upheaval. As he tried to plant his lavender flower, others in the garden tore it out. As he tried to replant, they wouldn’t allow him, and this upset Roxanne. She wanted them to leave the garden, though they would never be allowed in her castle. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew Melech was right. How can you plant in a garden that is not fertile? They returned to her castle and she let in very few, or tried. Drahqul denied her invitation, but with a rain check. New arrivals included Strana, Koba, and Brooks. They all came from outside of Visarra, but Roxanne always enjoyed their company. The party began the end of her certainty as the music blared. ************************************************ Chapter 26 - The Party Continues Current mood: thirsty Roxanne could feel the base of the music. She wanted to turn it down but her friends, both new and old, would be angry. Why disturb the happiness at the expense of her comfort? The party roused the bedroom factor in the guests and several made their way to the guest bedrooms to enjoy their own fun in the rooms not belonging to Roxanne. She watched as the door let more people in and in walked Dane. Roxanne couldnt move for a second. He’d been gone so long. He hadn’t visited, more or less because he was uninvited. But he walked in and she didn’t stop him. Before long, Dane was inching towards her bedroom and they’d made apparent, implied plans to meet there. But Roxanne knew what she wanted. It wasn’t anything he could provide. She wanted love but she feared it. Moreover, she didn’t want his love. She didn’t want him in her bedroom, even though, lately, she wouldn’t have cared who joined her. Kattan and Roxanne joked around. Again, the advances towards the bedroom. They also made plans, apparent and implied, but this would be after the party. And this would not be her bedroom, but his. This mere idea both excited and scared her. A new arrival came, though she didn’t let him all the way in. His name unknown, she let him in, but barely. As for more guests, one stood out Bobby. Shed left her own party to go to his bedroom. They never met the bed, though they neared it. Bobby’s home was for the heart of another but Roxanne needed to not care. Her garden was slowly dying as she consistently visited Bobby’s bedroom. She knew she needed to tend to it, but Bobby made her want to compromise for the simple fact that she needed to be necessary to the good in someone’s life. After a while, she stayed at the party. She didn’t really respect Bobby’s decision. But she wasn’t convicted to undo her doings. She ended the party. ************************************************ Chapter 27 - A Late Visitor Current mood: accomplished Roxanne pushed everyone out, except for the people who always would stay to help be the cleanup crew. It turned out that everyone left the mess they made simply because it was just another place. Pascado had stayed to clean but he was nearly the only one. Spunki had left without Stunna and he'd stayed to help. The "boy," now with the name Clandestine, has also stayed. As they assisted her in picking up the pieces, someone else stumbled in the door and Roxanne was slightly taken back. This was someone she'd just met and hadn't invited to her party because she wasn't sure he would've accepted anyway. He just figured she'd forgotten. His name was Tren. He welcomed himself in and she felt like he was a regular visitor. Tren was about 5'9" with short, dirty blonde hair. He didn't care much for anything so Roxanne became a quick exception. She was impressed by his respect to her home. He didn't once put his feet on her furniture. She saw him trying to pick the lock of the skeleton closet but when he realized she wanted it left alone, he persisted no longer. Everyone left when the castle was restored. Pascado, Tren, Stunna, and Clandestine all would be back soon. For now, Roxanne wanted to be alone. She waved goodbye and they left. She was preparing to lock the door as the voice of Melech escaped the crack in the door. Don't let him in, don't do it, she told herself. He's here to hurt you again. Remember, you don't want him anyway. Those words made her let him in. What use was it to be over someone if you couldn't have the temptation to do otherwise? Melech and Roxanne talked, not about anything in particular, but for once, they didn't fight. They relaxed and his arm decorated her shoulders. Soon, she left. She decided she wanted to hang out with Brooks and Strana so she left her own castle. She made him leave before he did. She waved goodbye, wondering if leaving him was a mistake. She thought of Tren. Letting go of Melech couldn't be a mistake. Just if she let go of the friend she once had. ************************************************ Chapter 28 - Drahqul Current mood: accomplished Roxanne was miserable. Not like it was some big secret anymore. That garden of hers was nearly dead. It's been going through a drought but maybe it needed a drought. She walked around her castle and went back inside to find Drahqul in the living room. How she forgot to lock the door was beyond her but she greeted him warmly. He hadn't seen the garden or he'd know what was wrong from the start. But, even without seeing the garden, he saw the stonewalls were worn and he saw in Roxanne's tone. He neglected not a moment to ask what was wrong. Roxanne didn't know how to answer when everything seemed wrong. She explained to him how much she longed to give out the key to her castle but she didn't feel anyone could keep it safe and take care of it the way she did. She had given so many people keys but she'd been changing the locks. They continued to talk for hours. He didn't once head for her bedroom or skeletons. He let her be her. For once, she thought, someone who lets me free from myself. ************************************************ Chapter 29 - Friendly Current mood: confused Roxanne escorted Drahqul out when he left. She loved his company every time. ******************* Dane quickly came to the door but Roxanne took him to the doorstep to talk. He asked why he wasn't allowed in. "We're not that friendly," Roxanne told him. Hurt, Dane left in a huff like he intended to offend her. No, she knew why he'd be there. For the bedroom key. The key he'd tried to get for the last 2 years. ****************** She invited Ojos over. She missed his company and his appeal had increased since he moved to Visarra. She loved the path between their houses. It connected them in a way very different from the others. Ojos was her confidante still. *************** As for Tren, he was discussed when Cosquillas asked about him. Roxanne wanted to let him in, even let him in her bedroom, but she feared he didn't really want to come to her castle anyway. Just the bedroom. A passerby, well until this point, named Viaje, commented on their interactions. "There seems to be something beneath the surface," Viaje commented. "How so?" Roxanne inquired. "There's flirting but there's that look at the end. The one that says, 'I'm not just kidding.'" "I don't know about Tren." "Why?" "I feel like it's too much work. I'm not into BS. I feel that, if he wanted me, really, he would've made a move." "Maybe you should." ******************* Melech and Roxanne had been going through too much to count. The hassles she felt were that he wanted her gone but wasn't ready for "goodbye." She never wanted him gone. She just wished that, for once when she would try to visit his castle, he wouldn't shut and deadbolt the door. ************************************************ Chapter 30 - Viaje, the confidante Current mood: artistic Roxanne didn't know what to do. She felt neglected in her castle. She didn't care if it was clean or dirty. She liked it clean but sometimes, things got messy. Viaje was a quick new friend. She could sense something there when they'd talk. He'd look over her shoulder and his body would be a little closer. They'd continue their talks of Tren, as Tren had become their link. Not the only one, but it held prominence. She didn't want to admit it. Tren was thinking of someone else. And he would talk to Roxanne about it. And Roxanne would run to Viaje. Viaje wouldn't say much. But maybe he didn't always need to. What was Roxanne thinking? She was only hoping someone would think of her as more than just a visit. More than just a gardener. More than just a girl or woman. She wanted someone to see her and see more than a friend. She wanted to be the one the others cried over and wanted. She wanted a little love in her life. A little flame. ************************************************ Chapter 31 - Ojos and Roxanne Current mood: mellow "I love you. You're not crazy." The words startled Roxanne. She turned around and gazed at her door. Ojos. Ojos to bring her back to a reality she couldn't understand. Nia and the raven were close behind him. They paused for a moment as the bird flew to the snow. "I love you, too. What's wrong?" The phrase came so easily and it kind of startled her. But they continued their conversation. The couch was their comfort zone as the sound blurred out of the scene. She felt as if she was watching them talk. They laughed and she caught a glimpse or two of Ojos watching her. She simply smiled, or stuck out her tongue, as if showing it off. At least, that's how it could appear. They jokes of the reality of a meal, innocence, and sheets. Her first thoughts were her bedroom sheets and she shook the thought out of her head. What was wrong with her. A fact she'd been neglecting was Ojos's unavailability. His raven could see through the window with Nia. They debated the secrets they held. Roxanne felt this strong hold on her heart. She longed for that touch to make her feel not so alone. Ojos had his touch. Viaje would hear about Roxanne's troubles soon enough. But for tonight, she wished to make it, not a trouble but, an event. ************************************************ Chapter 32 - Roxanne splits Current mood: indescribable Roxanne knew Ojos would leave so she told him he could. Reluctantly, he traveled back to his new home in Visarra. Roxanne felt herself beginning to shake and couldn't understand why. She felt a sudden jerk and there she was, standing face to face with herself. Not a mirror. Her psyche had separated. Both knew what they needed to talk about, the guy she wouldn't even admit to anyone, hardly herself. They spoke, Roxanne 1: "How could he?" Roxanne 2: "How could you let him go?" "You just don't know." "Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain, at least now if you try. "What if I don't know how to try? Or care anymore?" "Are you insane? There so much to care about. There's me - there's him." "He's got his baggage too." "So do you." "Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do?" "A friend." "But who, Roxanne, are you? Roxanne has got her work. They say 'Roxanne lives just to work.' And 'Roxanne's in love with her writing.' Roxanne hides in everything." "But from what?" "From facing your failure, facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie." "No, I don't. I don't lie." "Yes, you live a lie. Let me tell you how. You're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive. "Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive" "Poor baby. Don't put your pity trip. I'm not going on another life knowing just you in me." "Maybe he loves you. Are you really jealous or afraid he'll get hurt? "I just want him to be happy. Even without me." "No, you want him. You know you want him. You're so afraid of him getting hurt and you ruining it all. What are you going to do when that day comes along when it's all getting perfect and right and he wants you and loves you like you have needed your whole life? You're running out the door." "No more! I want you to go." "Hey, for somebody who's always been let down, who's running me out?" "For someone who longs for a community of her own, who's with her stories, alone?" ************************************************ Chapter 33 - The last you'll see of Dane Current mood: pissed off Roxanne merged back to one with just enough time to answer the door. It was Dane. What an unexpected visit. She wasn't sure how this would go. But she wanted to make the points she longed to make. They sat on the floor. She didn't want him on the couch where Ojos and herself and talked. "Hey." Dane began. "What's up?" Roxanne replied, casually. "Did I tell you about me and Carrie?" Carrie was a girl they both used to know. But she was familiar with Sadie, his girlfriend. "No." "She broke up with me." "When were you together? I thought she used to hate you. Last time I checked, you were with Sadie. When did all this happen?" "I broke with Sadie on Friday and asked Carrie out on Saturday night." "Something? I mean, I just thought that Carrie really hated you before. She used to get on my case for being with you so, then, how's single life?" "I hate it. I really liked her." "I'm sorry." "What about you?" The one phrase Roxanne hated the most. She wasn't sure what she was saying as she spoke after but she did. "Um." What a great start. "Yes, "um" basically nips it in the bud. "Um" is my life. My personal life is a "Hmm. that's interesting" My friend life is "I don't understand the question. Oh if only you knew." Roxanne cringed to herself as she knew this phrase was a bad idea." "Tell me then," Dane responded. Roxanne knew she would. "Which one do I start with - friends, love, money?" "You pick." "You asked, you get the honor of picking." "Love." "And why, good friend, do you choose that?" "Because I want you to be happy." "Well, I don't know if I am. There's so much involving "happy." I mean, honestly, the bad part of being alone with these locked doors is not having someone there to be like ‘Hey I miss you. You're the best thing going on with me right now. And I think you're the most beautiful when you just get out of the shower and are trying to get your eyeliner off your cheeks and beads of water are on your shoulders with your towel wrapped around your hair." I like that and that would really make me happy." "I've said something to that effect." "But here's the difference - " "Do I wanna know?" Dane interrupted. He always did. "Now, you don't. You don't see me anymore like that. And you don't think I'm beautiful without the feeling. I want that guy who's gonna call me up at work and surprise me with visits. Who I mean more than just a friend to. Who wants to show me off to his friends because they can't touch. Who... I don't know... Who loves me, you know? Why the hell am I telling you this?" "Because you could always tell me these things." "Yes, but, we're not that friendly anymore. And I know why and it's not fixable. I think it's because you wanted to know. "Why aren’t we? And why isn't it fixable?" "We're not because you hurt me in this way that nearly killed me. And I would've let it. And the thing you said you wouldn't do, you did. And you can't fix it because time machines can undo what happened but not how it hurt. "I'm a terrible person. Right?" "You have to put it harshly. What you did was very terrible, yes. But the part that killed me is that you lied about something you would never do. That I was the person who you loved spending time with and ending up being the person who wanted too much. After I blamed everything on myself, I realized I was more than that. "I could’ve told you that." The phrase caught Roxanne's ear. She stood up and her eyes were fixated at him, as if offended. "Then why didn't you. Why did you let me spend two years of us broken up, wanting you like I did, if you knew I was more than that?" "I don't have an answer." "You should've." "Why did you let me kill myself emotionally from this, if you knew I was more than this?" "I guess I didn't realize that you were going through all of this." "How could you not? I'd been doing that since the third time around, after Drahqul and I split and you and I began talking again. You made me think you really loved me and then, when you got back and dumped me, it made me feel like this was your opportunity in Visarra to make a name for yourself again and reap the land." "MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF?" Dane yelled. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO? " "Well it certainly seemed so. Three days into a new social year. You called me clingy and dated Cadera, my best friend at the time, a week and a half later. What was I supposed to think?" Dane was silent. “You don't know. Fine, you don't know. I don't care anymore." Dane turned to leave. Roxanne always kept a pistol near her door. She called his name and, as her hands trembled, she tearfully shot him. She watched him fall as the snow covered him, becoming a deep, crimson red. ************************************************ Chapter 34 - The tears Current mood: loved Roxanne knew how to cry by now. She'd done it before. She walked away from her door, for she wanted not to see the body of who she never wanted. But when she turned and shut the door, she felt a presence accompanying the wind. She felt it near her bedroom and she shook it off. Passing her desk, she held a small book, which held the place of the heart she'd been given. On some days, she couldn't find it, but she would never harm it. Never. But some days, she'd hold it close, but it wouldn't beat. And she'd let it go, and again, it would beat. She didn't know why it would always work that way, but she kept it. Just in case, in a time of complete spontaneity, it would beat as she held it. ************************************************ Chapter 35 Current mood: moody Roxanne went to her garden, only to find a familiar face waiting: Melech. She wondered why he was there and part of her didn't care. She was happy he would see her at all, even if things had changed. She invited him in and, in the living room, sat an additional sofa. Melech and Roxanne sat on the new one. This sofa was not as comfortable as the one Ojos would sit on, but it had that familiar smell of a well-worn fabric. Melech didn't want to begin yet and he excused himself to the kitchen to retrieve a drink. Roxanne stood from the sofa of Melech to the one held by Ojos. She laid down and thought of sweet memories. She daydreamed and soon, she was so lost in thought, she feared the very idea of getting off of the sofa, for fear every memory would erase. But Melech's footsteps neared and she needed to focus on him. Melech returned and he invited Roxanne to his own home. It was a cottage, not some elaborate castle, but it was cozy. There were some rooms that she would never be allowed to unlock but she went still. They sat on his sofa and he began: "You see, here's what happened..." ************************************************ Chapter 36 Current mood: nostalgic Melech's story barely took a sentence. He didn't so much want to discuss, but know he could if he wanted to. Melech left shortly as the night came to a close... ************ Roxanne had hidden in her castle for so long and two friends of hers, Alecia and Stacey, decided to take her out. It was an exhausting night but all together, fun. ************ Roxanne returned to her castle, partially hoping to see Ojos stop by. She wanted to talk to him, since she felt like she hadn't in so long. She heard a voice, singing, "We both know that I shouldn't be here. This is wrong and baby it's killing me, it's killing you, both of us trying to be strong. I've got somewhere else to be with promises to keep, someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep. I've made up my mind. There is no turning back. She's been good to me and she deserves better than that. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie to show no emotion when you start to cry. I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my hearts not free. I don't want to live a lie. What can I do?" All the words rang in her ear and she thought of one person - Ojos. Pascado wouldn't understand. Drahqul had long forgotten her. Melech could barely fathom her thoughts of someone else. She had only Ojos to turn to and he wasn't there at this time. She looked out of her window as she saw Nia with the same crow. ************************************************ Chapter 37 - The Garden And A Prayer Current mood: hopeful Roxanne was hiding in her room. She didn't care who would find her, if they did. She reluctantly rose, descending down her winding staircase and to the garden. She found a comfortable spot in the garden and sat down, and looked at the sky. For once, there was no rain, no snow. Though the clouds still decorated the soft sky, they were minimal. Roxanne thought aloud to herself. "What's wrong with me? The only thing I know is where I've been. I have not the slightest idea where I'm going. Maybe, if I knew, I'd know why I'm so lost. I mean, Melech means so much to me. He's been my best friend for too damn long to lose now. But I will and there's nothing I can stop it with. There's Stunna, and he's so optimistic and he can't really see how much life can bite you in the ass yet. Which is probably good. Clandestine is gone for now. And I have no clue when he'll be back, if he's okay. Ojos and Drahqul are only a worry if they intersect. I'm just sick of being the wrong choice all the time. Everyone leaves me behind and love just hasn't been there for me. Someone told me a few days ago that, if I want someone so badly, then get someone. But it's not that easy." Roxanne couldn't find what she thought would be easy. "I know life's not easy. I know there's not a thing worth getting in life that there's a shortcut to. For the really great things in life, you have to take a scenic route, the long way, the detour. But I've been on a detour for a really long time. My dirt road, my beaten path, I've been making it my own and now, I just wish something would go right on the pavement." ************************************************ Chapter 38 - Roxanne doesn't realize Current mood: giddy Roxanne reluctantly listened to Tren. Viaje hadn't been around in some time but that was okay. Her hope for him was diminished to being just an attractive eye candy. Tren continued on. He'd found his castle and built it and he was proudly showing it to everyone and Roxanne envied him. She wished she could show off her castle like that. He even let everyone inside and she was invited. But from him complaining about his little shack for so long, she barely stayed, at the risk of his complaints of the wrong kind of tile or his walls being the wrong texture. Roxanne was en route to her own castle and she saw Pascado. They both stopped for they wished to talk. For so long, Pascado had barely mentioned his old flame but tonight was the night to do something. His ranting brought Roxanne to the realizations that he had never seen. But when she made said realizations apparent to Pascado, he refused to do a thing, so Roxanne deemed it all pointless. But Roxanne readied her castle, herself, the living room, for Neo would be visiting Visarra soon. She always looked forward to her visits and this one would be as the others - sad, but always fun. ************************************************ 8:14 PM - Chapter 39 - Introducing Noah Current mood: okay Roxanne enjoyed her time with Neo and soon, she left for her own land and left Visarra. Roxanne enjoyed every day she got to see Neo and the garden was a fairly long visit that day. Roxanne hadn't been able to talk to Melech in a long time but tonight, she finally saw him at the garden. She invited him in, saying nothing, and silently invited their friend, Arano. Arano had long been friends with Melech and one could say they were almost as close as Melech and Roxanne. But Roxanne and Melech were close in a way that Arano would never be close to either of them. This was good for both Arano and Melech. Arano, Melech, and Roxanne enjoyed their time together, laughing, talking, and just having fun in the living room, snowball fights in the snow, though the summer would near soon. There was a feeling that Roxanne felt as they laughed and Melech's arm found a way around her shoulders and it wasn't what she'd felt before. She once had this love for him as if she could spend her life loving him. Now, that same love, while it would also last forever, was a love unromantic but not friendly. She felt like this was her protector and she would always be able to count on him. She no longer needed him and that's what made her able to be around him. They didn't need each other and they could be independent from each other. But the thought of such a friendship (for lack of a better word) was unrealistic. Melech bid Roxanne farewell and both Arano and Melech left her castle. As a new feeling consumed her, a new visitor arrived. She'd seen him walk by her castle many a time. His name was Noah and his dark hair matched his eyes. He spoke with a rough tone but, with Roxanne, his gestures became more obvious, his voice purred slightly and Roxanne had long admired him. Noah approached Roxanne's door and she thought only one thing: will he try the bedroom first? ************************************************ 10:46 PM - Chapter 40 - Worried about Ojos (OJOS you know who you are. Please read) Current mood: restless Roxanne didn't intend for Noah to stay long and they made plans for a later meeting, in which Roxanne would have to come out of her castle to be. Roxanne sent Nia away and she returned, her mind full with all the ranting of the crow. Nia regaled her with the tales of sadness and Roxanne saw the heart on her desk. It's beats were slow and she feared the worst. Ojos and Roxanne had barely spoken lately and she wondered why he never came to the castle anymore. She'd usually try to find him in his home, but he hadn't been there. The crow cawed at the entrance and she feared it would attack if provoked. She left for her home. As she walked the pavement, she feared the shape of the heart on her desk and whether it still would beat. ************************************************ Chapter 41 - Just friends Current mood: accomplished Roxanne ran into Drahqul on the way home and she stopped to talk. They'd had a lot to talk about. "Hey," started Roxanne. "Hi," replied Drahqul. Roxanne didn't really want to bring anything up. But there was something she had to know. "Drahqul, I don't know if you're interested in me or just what I can do anymore." She was cautiously referring to the attempts he'd made to divulge intimate secrets between the two of them. “I don't know if you like me . Do you know how much that kills me?” "Yeah I do but there isn't really anything I can tell you if that makes sense." "No, you can only say 'tell me about your bedroom' yet, I haven't once heard - 'I'm really happy to know you' or 'you make me happy' or 'I like you back and I think you're beautiful'. I don't think you like me. I think you like the idea that you're otherwise wanted. And it hurts.” "I do like you," Drahqul replied. "If you like me, why aren't you with me?" "I think a lot has changed and you have all these other visitors to your castle constantly." "What do you expect me to do? Stop my life because it hurts that one good guy I've been with is gone? No, the reason I chase a bunch of people is because everyone runs away from me. And I figure, I don't know, maybe I'll catch someone and they'll stay. its nothing about other guys. its that now, I have this loneliness and what kills me here is I've changed; you never did," Roxanne said, tearfully. "You think I haven't changed." "You never change. And I changed. I grew up. You were already there and you don't trust me." Roxanne knew there was a history but she had hope. "I do trust you but not as much as I used to but I am somewhat getting my life on track and if I came back to Visarra to stay, it would ruin all of that. Don't you realize that? "Yes! Then don't come back. Be happy. Just don't let me stay here and think I could change anything." "You can change things." "Not with you." "But you will just have to see what happens and I don't mean putting your life on hold for me." "Then what do you mean." "I mean don't hope for everything to go back right now. Do you understand?" "Yes. I understand." Roxanne's sarcastic, irritated tone revealed less than that. Drahqul sighed. "Why do I have the feeling you are somewhat telling me what I want to hear?" "Because I am. I said my part. And it changes nothing. And it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Maybe you want to hear that I understand." "You never know; you can probably find someone better then me." Roxanne didn't know if he could fathom how right he was. "I know. I can. And you can do better than me." "But?" Drahqul almost sounded hopeful. "No but. You can do better than me. I know you don't trust me. And I've changed more than growing up. And I don't know if I'm the same me you once fell for but I wanted to see if it would work." "I never said that I didn't trust you completely. I just don't want another Swifty. "It won't. If you don't trust me there, I can't change that. The girl you knew wanted her love in the bedroom. She didn't know how to own her life. The one that's here now - She likes her garden and love. She doesn't need her bedroom but she'll pretend it matters if that's what she thinks will be wanted. And she owns her life." "Don't pretend to need your bedroom if it is what you think is wanted. Be yourself. That is all I ever told you to be and all I ever wanted you to." "The only me I know is someone you would never want to be friends with. The gardener. The good girl. The one that believes the garden will survive everything. The one that works for what she wants. The one that tries to be beautiful just to hear those words. The one that wants to be the shoulder and ear, not mouth. The one that misses a tangible love. That's me now. And that's all I got to." Drahqul was puzzled. "And why do you think that I wouldn't want to know a person like that? How do you know that I didn't see those things in you before? I mean you always listened when I was pissed off.” "Because I didn't want any of it before. I wanted a guy like that, not to be like that." She smiled, knowing there was nothing else to say, but… "So do you think you will be able to be just friends with me?" Drahqul spurred the question. Roxanne contemplated. "I don't know. Do you think you'll like being friends with me. I mean, I'm kind of a hassle.” "I will like being friends with you but you might have to listen to me rant every now and then. "Well, you might have to listen to me whine." "Deal then?" Drahqul held out his hand. Roxanne was still wary. She wondered what would happen. "Anything else we should warn before we shake on this?" "Not that I can think of." Drahqul and Roxanne departed. Roxanne returned back to her castle, padlocking the door for comfort. ************************************************ Chapter 42 - Using Roxanne Current mood: pissed off Roxanne stomped in the door and slammed it shut. She'd just had the worst outing she'd had in a long time. She didn't think Cadera and Ojos could be such a bad time. She'd gone under false pretense. They'd gone with another friend to the performance hall and it was terrible bands ruining great music. She could've dealt with that. Except they were to entertain themselves at a prepaid cinema, not the performance hall. Ojos and his friends had invited her. They'd told her about the cinema and once ready, Cadera joined them. Happy that Roxanne could go, Cadera revealed she wouldn't have been able to go without her. Ahh, thought Roxanne. The truth is out. Roxanne quickly realized, by the advances between Ojos and Cadera, she wasn't there for the music and she hadn't come to see a movie. The movie was next to her, on a swing in the performance hall, and she had that to view. She was to play babysitter, an occupation that she hadn't volunteered for and wasn't being paid for. She regretted her decision to join them. She wanted to go home but she was quiet for a while. She told them she didn't care but the truth was, she would rather be home in her stone castle. But now, she was home. And all she wanted was to lock the door. Ojos and Cadera had used her. She wouldn't let them in the castle for a while. ************************************************ 12:45 AM - Chapter 43 - Current mood: frustrated Roxanne put her hands over her ears. A deafening scream cut through the thickest of walls. The shouts were now turned, accusing her, punishing and condemning her for the thoughts and feelings she'd had. She knew Ojos always had a way to make himself heard. She hid in the middle of her castle, where the sound would be faintest, but it grew louder. The screams told her she wasn't used. But the doors wouldn't let in the screamer. The walls sure did. the screamer was finally comfortable with himself, Cadera as the reason. And Roxanne felt more accused than ever. She wanted to scream back. But her walls held back the darkest reasons she was hurt. The blood wasn't even in the snow anymore, but her very own marble tile. Every scream made her crawl to a new corner. She tried to scream but she couldn't. She wanted the screamer to be someone she didn't mind yelling back at, but that was impossible. She wanted to be harsh, but she could only be firm. Roxanne couldn't believe the person she was being. This hateful, screaming blamer. And she saw Nia fly away, and she knew her destination. ************************************************ 4:32 PM - Chapter 44 - The chandelier is breaking Current mood: scared Roxanne stood in her corner. It had rained for a couple hours. She needed to go to the garden. She approached the first flower she'd planted: a white freesia. She brushed her fingertips over the petals, remembering why she first planted it. The delicate state of the flower scared Roxanne. She called out, "Help me! Keep me from going completely insane! I feel like I've lost control!" As the seconds pass, she becomes more and more consumed with these feelings. Her castle walls were being recently reconstructed to become thicker and stronger. As the walls increased their strength, the frail chandelier (once an object only she knew) shook and Roxanne turned., hoping it wouldn't fall. A single jewel from this chandelier dropped. Roxanne ran inside to retrieve the jewel. The smallest piece of this work of art was ready to break. She couldn't let that happen. She curled herself in a ball on her marble floor, clutching the jewel. She could smell the rain coming; she stopped breathing from her nose. She heard thunder; she covered her ears, leaving the jewel on her leg. She saw the lightening and shut her eyes. Roxanne tasted blood on her tongue. She could ignore nothing. The rain fell. ************************************************ Chapter 45 - Melech and Roxanne, together Current mood: optimistic Roxanne was ready to find something to depend on and the rain was a mere mist now, which it would always be. She was only said she was losing the chandelier but not yet realizing how she would gain more to lose it. But the piece broken was still beside her when she heard a soft voice whisper. "Hey there. Can I sit down do, or is the floor yours only?" Roxanne looked up, smiling at Melech. He helped her up, jewel in hand. And they went to the couch to converse. The situations were delicate and she didn't want to break. Melech had come, not to break bad news, but to hopefully bring some good into Roxanne's life. He wished to keep her and she didn't understand. She'd already given him every key she'd had and he longed to stay longer, an indefinite period of time. They went outside, in the snow, and not a blood drop followed her. He embraced her shivering body and she offered her chandelier to him. He did not take it. He instead took her face in his cold hands, and asked her to be his, to share time and pass by all the things they both knew. Arana had seen this coming. He had told them both it was coming, yet neither had chosen to listen. Rather, neither had admitted they were listening. Roxanne accepted Melech's proposal as the snow fell on their embrace. She was no longer alone in her castle, for Melech had saved her. The stonewalls became snow again. The chandelier was now under Melech's name. And there were no locks for him to unlock. Roxanne finally was happy.